#iamarisktaker

This is the go-to phrase for Study Abroad Lithuania. Here's an excerpt from the program description: “Small country, big world... Take a risk and explore the unfamiliar, immerse yourself in the unknown, transform how you see the world.” And thus the hashtag was born.

This phrase has become the "YOLO" of Lithuania. But unlike "YOLO," this phrase has not yet grown old. We were just discussing that tonight, actually. Yes, this phrase is way overused and is a study abroad stereotype, but I embrace it wholeheartedly. Whether J-walking, trying new foods, or stepping way out of my comfort zone, "Hashtag I am a risk taker!" is sure to be exclaimed! Funny thing: this phrase is also (successfully) used to guilt us into trying new things...

I bring this phrase up as a bit of a reflection for my semester abroad. At first I laughed at the phrase, but then I seriously thought about it. Coming to Lithuania in and of itself is a humungous risk! I was privileged with this experience and am making the most of it. I want to leave with no regrets. At this point, with a week left, I think I am well on my way to that goal! Here are some highlights of my risk taking:

• Even as early as my first night in Vilnius, I began to try new foods. First, I was hungry. Second, I told myself that I didn't have to like it, as long as I tried. Most was good, but some was disgusting (*cough*cough*gira*cough*cough*). At that point I was much more hesitant about trying new things. Now I'll just do it, sometimes with a bit more prompting than others. I want no regrets, and that's enough to compel me. I mean just two weeks ago, I ate bear!
• I got into a challenge with two other study abroads to visit the study abroad office every day. I'm winning by far. But that's not the point. About a week in, I came to the conclusion that I feel really dumb for going places without a purpose or invite. So why would I venture to the study abroad office to just sit and chat aimlessly? Then I realized that this was my form of taking risks. I was stepping way out of my comfort zone. But then it got easier. The office ladies are so sweet and caring and helpful and all around wonderful! And now I feel better about asking people for their time or presence, even if we multitask while in the same room.
• Speaking of risk taking with the study abroad staff, midway through February I made an extremely odd decision to venture there when I got into a deep emotional state that had been coming and going all week. When it came on the night before, I realized that that was the state I least wanted people to see but most needed people to see. So I went and found people. Not only did I find people, but I found women who I had known for just over a month and who I wasn't sure I could fully trust. They allowed my to sit there and express myself in as few words as possible and as many tears as necessary. And I hate crying in front of people.
• Relationships. It's so tempting to live with the mentality that I'll be here for 4 months and then never see these people again. In fact, many Europeans say that to us. I went through a phase in February when I was torn about building relationships. I felt this way about everyone, but it was most prominent for the study abroad staff. They're my professors, my tour guides, my advisers, my mothers, and my friends. I was already growing dangerously close to them, especially in light of the fact that in 2.5 months I would never see them again. But then I decided that I didn't care. I want to live in the moment and make the most of this experience. No regrets! I would deal with the emotions of separation when the time came. Unfortunately, that time is now :(
• We have another phrase here in Lithuania: "choose people." That's more our theme for the semester. But again, I've learned to value friendships. I learned that papers and assignments will get done, whether I leave 12 hours or 3. But the opportunities to bond will not last forever. There is more to me than a number on a paper, and I will gladly accept a slightly lower grade for cherished memories. A 93 is just as much an "A" as a 99. Even "B's" will leave me content this semester!
• This week I wrote a research paper for Theology about spiritual gifting in the modern church. I read an article that made me mad and confused and frustrated. The author presented good points but was way too ambitious about drawing lines in a very gray area. I went to find my professor to process my frustration, but he was not around. The professor next door was, and I accidentally exploded at him. His willingness to listen and help shocked me, but made me fall in love with LCC even more! I don't think I would have ever done something like that at Messiah, though I might be more open now after seeing how much professors care for their students.
• Ummm...I choreographed a flash mob as a thank you to the wonderful study abroad staff and interns. And then we performed it in a restaurant last night. I was more than a little freaked out and actually needed someone else to start the song. Yes I'm a dancer but I still get stage fright. And this made sense because it would be an embarrassment if no one else joined in. Luckily there were about 10 people committed and everyone enjoyed it and smiled and applauded. And we gave a poster to the staff members to explain what just happened. This was probably the epitome of me stepping out of my comfort zone. But after, one of the interns said to me, "It's so cute to see how much you love dancing." Yep, just smiling and going with it!
• And finally, we can't forget the adventures! Nothing has stopped me this semester. I have scars all over my body from the last 3.5 months, and I am proud of them! From Day 1 when I dropped my passport into a puddle after barely exiting the airport, I knew I was in over my head. Even last night I went on this giant swing thing, fell off, got scraped up, got kicked in the head, and moved on. I'm resilient and laugh things off. I'm "the one things happen to," whether I like it or not. Better just smile and embrace the lemons life throws at me, all in the name of being a risk taker. It's been a good ride, and I can't wait to see what the next week holds!

This semester I've learned to be spontaneous, flexible, easygoing, trusting, less uptight, patient, outgoing, adventurous, gracious, etc. Funny how a hashtag and a headache can change my life.

I guess I'll end with a quote that's been on my mind. "I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived." (I Lived by OneRepublic, our flash mob number)

Oh wait, one more :)
“I will look back on this and smile, because it was life and I decided to live it!”

P.S. You should totally check out our final video project for our Cross-Cultural Seminar class! It captures some of the lessons I've learned this semester :)

Travel

This past weekend I was privileged to travel to Tallinn and Riga, the capitals of Estonia and Latvia, respectively. This trip was phenomenal! To me, Tallinn is very much a touristy city. It has a lot of medieval charm (plus a hippie district). Centuries ago, Tallinn was a key village along trade routes and people were heavily taxed for passing through. Thus, Tallinn became extremely wealthy and was able to build tall walls to prevent power-hungry conquistadors from overtaking the city. Much of the medieval architecture still stands or was restored after WWII. I also liked Riga because it has some older features like cobblestone streets, but has a more modern flow. Plus there is at least one coffee shop on almost every single street corner.

We left LCC at 10:30pm on Thursday and "slept" on the bus overnight to Tallinn. Well, I maybe got 1-2 hours of sleep during the time the bus pulled over in the wee hours of the morning. We also stalled around 3am. I can't say it was the most pleasant time; it sounded like the bus was exploding. I ended up sleeping on the ground because I was sharing a seat with another girl. It was decent, but really bumpy, loud, and hard. Someone also dropped a backpack on my head around 4am when I had barely entered stage 1 sleep. I was wide awake for another hour or so. Friday morning it took a good hour or more for me to be able to feel the right side of my body. BUT, we were treated to a enormous delicious buffet breakfast!

Luckily, I get enough sleep on a regular basis that my body can handle a night of insufficient rest. Friday night I slept really well! But before that, we were given a walking tour of Tallinn. Our guide was quite sassy and entertaining. After that, a few girls and I found an Estonian chocolate shop and then visited the train station flea market. There were some interesting trinkets. Since we were exhausted from the bus ride, a few of us returned to our hostel and chatted for a bit before dinner.

Dinner. We went to a medieval restaurant; it was quite the experience! It was entirely candlelit, so we couldn't really see the food. Maybe that's a good thing. Here's the menu:

• herb bread, rye bread with ham, cheese spread, pâté, pickles, sour cabbage, olives, berries, onion jelly
• baked cheese
• ginger turnips, lentils, barley with (hazel)nuts, sauerkraut
• sausage made of boar, elk, and bear meat, salmon in nut sauce, Arabian beef
• apple pie with almond milk sauce

90% of those items I have never had before. Three months ago and I never would have dreamed of eating of them. But I tried most everything, with the exception of some of the spreads in the first course. I can't say I liked it all, but at least I can say I tried! I don't want to leave with any regrets this semester. If that means eating bear, then I'll do it!

Afterwards, a few girls and I found a cute little cafe and ordered chai lattes. Yes, those are by far my favorites. It was neat to sit in the window on pillows and socialize. We then climbed to the top of the city and looked out and took nighttime photos. It was sort of raining, so it was pretty cool! Then...BED!

Saturday I had a much welcomed lazy start. I tried to find a particular souvenir street, but was unsuccessful. Then a few girls (and one guy) and I went on a bike ride around Tallinn. It was neat to be able to see some things I wouldn't have found by walking. We rode to the Baltic and then found a harbor where we could climb on the ships. We rode past a castle (with a moat!) and then up a challenging hill. We saw yet another Eastern Orthodox church. And then someone had the genius idea of riding down a steep cobblestone hill! With our brakes in full power, we were still flying. And people weren't moving out of the way. It was all we could do not to fall and not to take out an innocent bystander. We felt like jello by the time we were done. My tailbone is still bruised from that...

After a bit more walking, exploration, and delicious pancakes for lunch, we boarded the bus to head to Riga. Honestly, that was an awful ride. My head was in an immense amount of pain--the worst it's been since Russia--before we even left. And then the constant starting/stopping of the bus and the bumpy roads. And there was a movie that was playing, but it was wayyyy too loud. I couldn't drown it out with music, and I could really only hear parts of arguments or cheering, which tend to bother me on a good day. I put my head down and covered myself with a blanket to eliminate other sensory stimuli, but it wasn't working for me. After a while I decided to journal and figured out some other things that were going on. Read next week for more on that!

Once in Riga, we went out in small groups. Dinner was fun and then I walked along the river and saw some pretty sweet reflections in the water. I got to chat with a girl I've been trying to get to know all semester. It's funny how things just happen to work out! I had plans to do homework and then go to bed, but I got recruited into playing a game instead. Cards Against Humanity. For those who know it, people were impressed by how I handled it and how well I did (I have a bit of a good-girl stigma, I learned). For those who don't, I'm not sure I would play again. It has to be with the right people.

Sunday morning I went out for coffee (tea for me) with a girl from my hostel. I had woken up earlier than necessary, so I had some time to kill. I enjoyed the morning! We attended an Anglican church service for Palm Sunday. I'm not entirely sure what I thought of it, but I'm thankful for the experience! 

Sunday was rainy and icky so a few of us went to perhaps the greatest tea shop I have visited! It was essentially a tree house. The selection was overwhelming, but I ended up with something delicious! The seats were a bunch of pillows along a bunch of glass walls. We chatted for at least two hours and watched people outside. Fun memories! We stopped at a buffet restaurant called LIDO (same place as on the way to Russia) for a late lunch. After eating, the girl I explored Riga with on Saturday night walked with me around the LIDO complex and we talked about end-of-semester emotions. It's good to start that processing but I absolutely hate it. Goodbyes are the worst.

And then alas we had to return home. This trip was so much fun albeit exhausting. It was neat to have so much freedom to explore. I have seen the Baltic Sea from FOUR different countries now! I'm incredibly thankful for all that the SALT program has allowed me to do. I've definitely been spoiled this semester.

Panorama of Tallinn, Estonia

Those lovely cobblestone streets...

Tallinn at night!

Bike riding pals. I love this sign!!

Riga, Latvia at night.

I just love those lights reflecting on the river!

Cute little tree house tea shop!

Of course an artsy picture of the tea. You can kind of see the window/outside.

LIDO :)

Oceans

Let's be real. The title of my blog was 100% inspired by the recent hit by Hillsong. I first heard "Oceans" in September, before it became popular.  The bridge has been the cry of my heart ever since:
    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

I've had a feeling for a while that studying abroad would be relevant to God's work in fulfilling these words in my life. But I never imagined just how deep God would take me. Primarily, I'm referring to the headaches. I would not naturally crave such a nuisance. But my faith would not have flourished either!

Let's begin by talking about physical oceans.

This semester, I am an ocean away from anything and everything that might ordinarily provide comfort. Talk about taking a risk! But this has been the greatest experience of my life thus far. The growth. The friendships. The lessons. All I needed was to cross the Atlantic.

Water has always had a special significance in my life. I'm pretty sure I'd be a fish in another life... Times spent in quiet reflection along any body of water have always been the most meaningful. Maybe that's why I'm frequently drawn to the Baltic Sea when I need to release emotion. It's incredibly humbling to stand at the water's edge and simply look. As vast an expanse as it is, this sight pales in comparison to God--his glory, his power, his majesty, his love. 

I love these words:
    Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
    Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade,
    To write the love of God above, would drain the ocean dry.
    Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

I can't help but marvel.

Oceans (or rather, a certain lake) have played a significant role in my faith journey this semester. As I completed Fasting February, I would spend time each day visualizing myself in a peaceful place--usually on a dock at the lake at a camp where I've spent a good deal of time. I refer to this place as my second home. For the most part, all was well.

Until one day I was no longer on the dock. I found myself treading water, desperately trying to remain afloat. Jesus was on the dock, offering me his hand. But I just couldn't take it. Would I lose anything? No. For some reason, I valued having control over my destiny.

Later that day I found myself on the dock with Jesus standing on the water, inviting me to join him. The bridge from Britt Nicole's "Walk on Water" was playing through my head. Step out, even if... You don't have to be afraid. I managed to convince myself that the worst that could happen is me sinking. And even at that, I know how to swim so I would be fine. But then again, that's still all about what I can do. No.

A few weeks later I found myself treading water again. Jesus was still offering me his hand. I was closer now than ever before to taking hold and allowing him to help me. I even had a vision of what life would be like if I let him walk alongside me without holding anything back. But I still couldn't quite do it.

Which leads me back to "Oceans." If you're unfamiliar, here's the chorus:
     And I will call upon Your name
     And keep my eyes above the waves
     When oceans rise
     My soul will rest in Your embrace
     For I am Yours and You are mine

Remarkable similarity to the scenes I just described, yeah? Last week I explained that I turned down my opportunity to do a department honors project next year. I think that's the point at which I finally grasped Jesus' hand and allowed grace to infiltrate my heart. 

I'm not perfect. I know that I'll still struggle with my desire to have control. But with baby steps, God can and will do the rest.

The last line of the chorus is now applicable.  

You are mine.

Grace

Grace. 

It's my middle name. 

It's something I frequently lack as I walk down the street. 

It's the elegant quality that I crave as a dancer. 

It's that sweet sweet melody woven throughout Christian theology. 

Grace. /greys/ (n). The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

That's the textbook-definition of grace. But I think there's a bit more. 

Over the last 5+ weeks, I've been on a quest to figure out what exactly grace is. I've grown up hearing that mercy is God not giving us what we deserve, and grace is God giving us what we don't deserve. Easy. 

Until now. 

Someone first mentioned grace in a conversation a while back about my headaches. And then someone else. And then yet another friend. I pushed it aside. How is grace even remotely relevant to this situation? And then my daily devotions started talking about grace. I finally succumbed and began to dig deeper. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." This is another one of those verses I've had memorized for years, but only recently understood. Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he desperately asked God to relieve him of. Finally God replied that no, He wouldn't. This thorn, whatever it may have been, was a platform for God to show His power.

This can be a hard idea to accept. Why would God allow suffering for His chosen people? We have only a tiny, ant's-eye view of God's divine plan for humanity and for each of us individually. Being the type-A, control-loving personality that I am, I struggle when God likes to implement His plans at the cost of mine. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason I have not yet found relief from these headaches. Some days this is much harder, like when the pain is especially excruciating. I've moved beyond the "why me?" phase and have come to accept that God is using this as a platform to teach me. I mean, look at what I've shared with you all, not to mention the pages on pages of untold journal entries. I recently glanced at the list of goals I had for the semester, and I see that I am achieving the majority of them, but not at all in the way I imagined! I guess that's the beauty of how God works!

Let me put something out there. In no way do I believe that God gave me these headaches. I do, however, believe that everything has been filtered through His hands of love and God has full control over it all. I often think of Job and how God allowed Satan to trouble Job. He showed Satan that Job was faithful through anything and everything and showed Job that he had a minuscule amount of knowledge about divine happenings. Keep this in mind as you read the following words. 

I was told that God will allow people to suffer in the way that will best bring Him glory. Not everyone will handle daily headaches the same way I do. I don't complain. I try not to draw attention to myself. I simply do what I have to do, and then some! It's when people comment on how impressive it is that I've carried on for so long that I step back and realize that all that I've been able to accomplish is indeed quite remarkable. None of this has been on my own. I cry out to God daily, sometimes begging for the strength to make it through the day. By God's grace alone have I made it this far. 

I made a huge step this week in my quest to relinquish control and allow God's grace to seep into my life. I turned down my opportunity to pursue department honors next year. And for the first time, I don't feel like a disappointment; my parents are prouder of this decision and the courage it takes to set my eyes on God rather than academics. I've spent my entire life pursuing recognition for my academic endeavors. It has been the entirety of my identity. I have always been at the top of my class and have striven for the highest level. To have it within grasp yet again and say no is absolutely insane. And I'm saying no for reasons that are not even definite. I don't know if I'll be able to get research experience this summer. I don't know if I'll get a position in the Agape Center next year. If it all falls through, I don't know where I'll be left. It's a scary thought. But the deed is done. I've given my future up to God and He has full control. He always has, but I am now painfully aware. I cannot yet say that it feels good, but it's definitely a step along the path of a lifetime journey of trusting God's providence in my life. 

Someone once said to me that life is a journey of "making mistakes and crossing the line too much but allowing God's grace to fill you and draw you back." I didn't understand it at the time, but as we continued through our relationship, I began to live out that truth. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But if I allow God to infiltrate those deep, scary, vulnerable parts of my heart, He will work and bring healing. 

I don't know how healing looks right now in my life. I think that this idea of grace is not something I can logically understand...yet. I think it will be something I live out and discover in retrospect. We can never connect the dots looking forward. Only backwards. I'm excited to see where these months of headaches and lessons leave me in the near or distant future!

Heartbeat

Spring break is over and life has returned to normal here at LCC...or has it? Last week was Revolution Week, in which Roots of Justice (a group on campus) raised awareness about issues pertaining to human trafficking--sex, labor, etc. This past week was Spiritual Life Week. My goodness, I had no idea that a single week could wear me out so much! I'm exhausted as I write this.

For Spiritual Life Week, our team split up into smaller groups to each plan an event Monday-Wednesday, collectively worked on the coffeehouse Thursday night, and shared in selling goods at a bake sale today. Plus there is a concert tomorrow that we were asked to help with. Monday we had a panel discussion about cravings and an ice cream social after. Wednesday we put on "The Not So Late Show" with a theme about finding satisfaction. So fun. Tuesday was my event: the Hunger Feast (community dinner). All last weekend we visited grocery stores to collect cardboard boxes and wooden crates. When I say we, I mean two girls. We ended up borrowing two grocery carts and making four trips. But the event turned out quite well! Over the course of the week, we raised over 500 LTL to donate to Villages of Hope Africa.

Now something else. The title of my blog post--heartbeat--is our theme for chapel this semester. Each week, a different faculty member has shared his or her heart with us. I figured out that my heart beats for the marginalized--those not as accepted by society.

As I mentioned last week, I had an unusual encounter in Russia. I was walking through a park in St. Petersburg, chatting with a friend (about the wifi in our hostel), and then all of a sudden I felt something wet on my face, heard the sound brought about by forceful spitting, and then heard the man muttering in Russian. I was stunned. As we looked behind us, the man also glanced back. I'm thinking it was intentional. There was also enough room on the path for the man to have easily avoided us.

I was never upset at this experience, though I was definitely emotionally distraught. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be spit on. That goes to show my sense of privilege... I needed to get this story out and figured that it might be a good thing for the study abroad staff to be aware of. So I informed a director once I returned to our hostel. But something strange happened. I couldn't get the words out. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I thought I had done something wrong, that I was worthy of that injustice.

Eventually I was able to talk my way into it and spill the story. I was told that the man was probably just having a bad day, heard me speaking English, and decided to take it out on me. 

Okay. 

But then I grew nervous. As I walked through St. Petersburg alone, I wondered if I screamed American. I mean, I walked confidently and quickly. I didn't look around too much or let my mouth hang open. My coat would be the only give away, I think. Especially when I'm alone and not speaking. I was extremely aware of the people around me and perhaps a bit paranoid that something would happen to me.

This carried through to Klaipeda last week. I found myself feeling extra aware of my own behavior and the actions of my friends as we walked down the street. I want to respect the people who live here permanently. It's good to be aware and cautious in a new environment. But living in fear is not okay. Something needed to change.

Luckily, I had a revelation! Tuesday, as I was pushing the shopping carts yet again (this time to pick up 30 loaves of bread), I found that I was walking down the streets with confidence!  I got some looks. People made comments. But I realized that people move on. I'll likely never see them again. Plus the memories I made this week far outweigh the momentary judgment from others. I've already been spat on. The only thing worse is physical attack. That likely will not happen when I'm in a pair, and I am respectful when on my own. Why fear??

I chatted with the other study abroad director last Friday to get her input on the incidence. She said that the man was either crazy or drunk. A Russian wouldn't be able to pick out my accent, and therefore couldn't have known that I was American. I did learn, though, that at least in the market, vendors can easily pick out us Americans because of our mannerisms. So I think there's a chance the Russian man knew I wasn't from around there.

I don't know which theory I believe. But I no longer care, either. Last week, my heart was really heavy. I would wake up early in the morning and not be able to fall back asleep because of the extent to which this experience among others was pressing on my heart. During Revolution Week, I was reminded of my heart for working with the marginalized, as my Bible prof likes to say. My heart breaks when I read, hear, or see injustice in the world. 

This has been ongoing ever since the second day in Lithuania. Seriously. When we visited the KGB museum of Soviet occupation, I was stunned and nauseous as I thought about how heartless people were just a few decades ago. To put this in perspective, I had to kill a frog for physiology lab last semester. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I was crying at the thought of killing an innocent creature that I loved. And it was a frog. How can humans kill hundreds of other humans (or even more)? I can't see into their minds, but it appears that there are no second thoughts. And this is their job. "Honey how was work today?" "Oh, the usual. I executed eight more scoundrels." Day in and day out.

And then in Bible, we've been watching a movie every Friday. As we watched parts of the Bible miniseries, I was struck again by the cruelty and heartlessness of some individuals. The mass killing of infants in Jerusalem. Crucifixion. Beheadings. Flogging. Stoning. I realized that there's a difference between those giving the commands and those actually carrying out the killing. But what could possibly cause such a passion for murder? In the name of God, no less!

And on and on. My heart has been processing a lot this semester and seeking answers. I had decided a few weeks ago that I would apply for a leadership position in the Agape Center next year as a way of implementing the things I've learned this semester and getting more involved on campus. One of the positions that was of interest to me was the Human Rights Awareness Director, but I felt like I wasn't the greatest fit...until two weeks ago. When the man spat on me, my first thought (after why my face was wet) was about how I could all of a sudden empathize with an entirely new world of people! It's one thing to feel compassion and sympathy when reading about social injustice, but another altogether to experience the degradation firsthand. Now I have even more of a drive to work with the marginalized!

As unfortunate as this experience was, I realized that I'm thankful it happened to me. Being quiet and polite, I did not lash out at the man and have internalized the experience for the most part. I'm not going around and retelling the story. I don't want to draw even more attention to myself or beg for sympathy where I don't need it. I don't want to badmouth Russia or create a negative stereotype of Russians. This was a chance encounter that definitely pertained to my role as a tourist.

And finally, I learned that there is bliss in not knowing. As curious as I am about what the man said, I'm thankful to have been spared the hurt that could have come with his words. Same for when I was pushing the shopping cart full of bread. Rather, I found myself wishing I could sit down and engage with the man. It would probably show that I don't fit his stereotype of Americans. But more importantly, I could learn about him, his past, and what would evoke such a strong reaction to hearing English.

So these have been my thoughts over the two weeks. It's cool to see pieces of my life fall together and I'm really excited to try to apply these life lessons when I return home!

Россия (Russia)

Here's a day-by-day highlight of my spring break trip (March 8-March 16). 

Saturday

We left bright and early at 8:30am. We loaded up the buses and traveled to Riga, Latvia. Along the way, we stopped at the hill of crosses. As of 2006, there were over 100,000 crosses; 8 years later, I'm sure the count is up!
For lunch, we stopped at some interesting, yummy buffet-like place. 
And then...train time! I had never been on a train before! It was quite fun. There were so many of us that we had an entire car to ourselves! Because of my clumsiness I was not allowed to sleep on a top bunk. But that's okay. I actually didn't get a lot of sleep. I slept for some

time between 11 and 12 and then for some time between 4 and 5. Less than 2 hours of sleep that night. But they fell at the perfect times to act as naps, so I didn't quite feel it the next day.












Sunday
We arrived in Moscow later than scheduled so we quickly found our hostel, dropped off our backpacks, and ran! We saw the tail end of the changing of the guards outside the Kremlin. We ate lunch in a food court, and then we roamed Red Square. I'm not fully sure why it's called Red Square. I know, that's bad. I had my first bit of American fast food (i.e. Wendy's) and my stomach was not too pleased. We had a tour of the Kremlin (now a museum containing relics of Russian royalty) and then rushed to see the circus! Such a good show! Finally, our intern took us to see Moscow lit up at night. It was pretty cool. We also got to see an elite university. Oh my goodness, that thing was massive! Here are some highlights of the day:

A side view of St. Basil's cathedral--a symbol of Russia.

A view from the back of St. Basil's cathedral. 

The back of the Kremlin, I think. The Kremlin is at least inside this structure.

Panorama of the gorgeous university!

And of course, Moscow at night!

Monday
We began the day with a tour of the metro stations. Many of them were built to double as war shelters. They are crazy far underground! I've never ridden escalators that long before in my life! Fun fact: I used to be scared of escalators. Thank goodness I've moved past that fear. Otherwise Moscow would have been rough. Some of the metro stations were absolutely gorgeous! After, we went to the market where street vendors sold souvenirs. I got to use my limited Russian language skills and barter. I learned two things. 1. I'm not good at bargaining because I'm too nice. 2. It's insanely stressful! BUT, I came out with souvenirs for many of you, my faithful readers! I'm proud of myself. After, we got to visit the inside of St. Basil's cathedral. Oh my goodness, that place is gorgeous! We then walked to Church of Christ the Savior. And I thought St. Basil's was gorgeous... I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped more than once this week. After this, we headed to the souvenir street (Old Arbat). Lots of American chain restaurants and tacky, overpriced souvenirs. But it was fun to stroll and observe. After that, we went to Gorky Park. It's a fun place in the summer, but we simply walked through. They had a pretty intricate ice skating rink/path/loop meandering through the park. We then walked to Red Square and spent time taking photos (now you can see St. Basil's from the front!) and making memories. Here are some photos from the day:

Bronze statue in a metro station.

Mosaic in a metro station

Example of the intricacy inside St. Basil's Cathedral.

Church of Christ the Savior.

St. Basil's Cathedral from the front!

Red Square at night.

Group jump photo // making memories!

Tuesday
We started the day by seeing Lenin's preserved body. Then we broke up into option groups. I got to see the Russian space museum. It was interesting... After, we headed back to the hostel, grabbed our stuff, and then caught the train to St. Petersburg. The train was nice, but it was nothing great. I was insanely tired by this point and crashed when we got to our hostel. By this point, I had already fallen in love with St. Pete's! The architecture. The rivers and canals. The Baltic. And our hostel was gorgeous. I loved it! As one girl said, "It's like Pinterest threw up!" So homey and quaint. It's called Soul Kitchen Hostel for a reason! There was also a wall with a world map on which people placed push pins symbolizing where travelers had come from. Harrisburg, Hackettstown, and Klaipeda are now marked :)

Wednesday
We began the day with a walking tour. Our guide showed us good places to go and shared some history of the town. He took us to a coffee shop and a delicious, cheap pastry shop. I feel like I was struggling to eat in Moscow, but I was always snacking in St. Pete's! This day we more saw things from the outside, so I'll save photos for future days. We found the St. Petersburg market as well. I think I liked that one better than Moscow, but the vendors were more aggressive. That evening we went to the ballet. It wasn't perfect, but I was in dancer heaven! I had never seen a real ballet before. AND we had seats along the ground-level balcony right next to the stage! After, some of us went out for Indian food (another first). Yum.

Thursday
We began the day by observing 30 minutes of a Russian Orthodox service at Kazan Cathedral. Women have to cover their heads in this tradition. I didn't understand what was going on and my head was bothering me so I had to close my eyes, but I think that helped contribute to the beauty of engaging in another form of worship for me. I won't explain much about Russian Orthodoxy, but it seeks to engage all the senses. And I was still able to connect with God that morning in a much needed way. After the service, we broke up into groups again. I went to St. Isaac's cathedral and then climbed to the top to see the city. It was pretty darn incredible! After a quick lunch, we went to the Hermitage. It was an old winter palace turned into an art museum. The architecture was incredible! There was one room that looked like it was made of gold. There was also a library that made me think of Beauty and the Beast. I walked in and my jaw literally dropped. It was exhausting after 3-4 hours. We recovered a bit in a cafe and then went for a traditional Russian dinner. Eh, I tried new foods. That's something to be proud of. I got to see a bit of St. Petersburg at night as we walked back to the hostel. So pretty! Especially all the rivers! Photos:

That architecture!

Hermitage. And this is *only* one building (of 5!).

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral. Take note.

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral.

Friday
Most of the group went to Catherine's Palace (think Anastasia). I took the day easy and explored St. Pete's with a girl from the other hostel. I had an easy, relaxing morning. We met and went to the Museum of Religion. That's not the real title, but that's the point of the museum. It was cool to see religion from 23,000 BC all the way through today, and all around the world! More inspiration in my passion for neurotheology! We went to a delicious pie place for lunch. When I say pie, it's more like bread with any filling imaginable, both sweet and savory. So. Good. We visited the market again and then simply walked and stopped in random places (like a bookstore) and concluded our day in Starbucks. That was a wonderful taste of home! And I was able to successfully navigate the streets of St. Petersburg all by myself! That evening, we went to a show called "Feel Yourself Russian". It was essentially a lot of folk dancing and singing. But it was fun!

Saturday
Last day. We woke up to snow. I suppose it wouldn't be spring break in Russia otherwise. I'm incredibly thankful for how nice the weather was until that point! We went to Church of the Spilt Blood (which looks an awful lot like St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow). Every single "painting" in there was a mosaic. Again with the dropped jaw. After, I accompanied more girls to the market and then we climbed St. Isaac's again. My goodness, that city is gorgeous when covered in snow! After that, I got the privilege of experiencing an authentic Russian sauna. Mmmm...not sure what I think. I'm thankful to have tried it, though! We grabbed dinner, boarded the train, and then headed home! A bit more sleep, but not till 5am. So...

Church of the Spilt Blood

Part of the Church of Spilt Blood.

Same view from the top of St. Isaac's, this time covered in snow!

Sunday
We made it into Vilnius, rode buses back to Klaipeda, and then I crashed mentally. No homework capacities whatsoever. I had a fun night hanging with friends and baking and laughing. 

Some overall observations from the week
1. The cathedrals are gorgeous. I can't get over the intricacy and detail, especially in light of their age! Unfortunately, most times I was not allowed to take pictures. But I respect the right to keeping these places sacred.
2. Walking. Lots of walking. But I love it! And I'm continuing to walk here. My feet were blistered but they're healing slowly. I was also sick of my pants by the time the week was complete so I wore jeans only once this week (in case you cared). 

3. I had an interesting experience in the park on Friday. An elderly man spat on me as I was walking by. I'm 98% sure it was deliberate. I'm not upset, but definitely a bit emotionally distraught. Oddly, I'm thankful that I was the one to have this experience. Be on the lookout for my reflection and analysis next week!
4. Moscow was great. St. Petersburg was wonderful! I wish I could transplant St. Pete's back to the US and then live there.

This past week was definitely challenging because I couldn't work ahead over break, but I survived as always. It's still so weird to be able to say, "Oh yeah, I just spent a week in Russia." Never did I ever dream of going to Russia or imagine it would happen! And it was all planned for me. I've been real blessed and lucky this semester.

Patience

My plan was to write about Užgavėnės, the Lithuanian celebration just before Lent. It used to take place over the course of a week, but now it's limited to one day/weekend. I went through two weeks of prep courses in which I made a mask and learned traditional Lithuanian dances. I was so excited to participate in the festival on Sunday, but I had to back out that morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and I knew that adding crowds, noises, and movement into the mix wouldn't help. Read on for why. 

I'm going to be honest. This past week has been tough. In terms of the headaches, I was told that I have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that are squeezing a nerve. I was given meds last week to try. I felt awful Friday through Tuesday before my body adjusted to the drowsiness side effect. I couldn't stay awake for much more than 2-3 hours at a time and I felt lightheaded and anxious. That doesn't even come close to describing how terrible I felt. For the first few days, my head was too fuzzy and groggy to focus on the pain. Plus with all the sleeping, the headaches stayed away for longer. But then the pain began to break through and was pretty intense. So not only was I having headaches, but then I was feeling awful on top of it. 

I went back to the neurologist on Tuesday, and she requested that I get a brain scan. The machine was broken at the private place where I was supposed to go and they weren't expecting the replacement part until June. Not very helpful. So the neurologist suggested that I come to the hospital today since she was working there. And that's where my adventure begins. 

Five. Hours. It was a long, exhausting day. We had the worst luck with timing. After registering, we missed the place where we were supposed to pay by four minutes. So we waited 30 more. And then when we were finally all set, the computers went down. We waited about another two hours until I could finally get the scan. More waiting, results, consultation with the neurologist, getting an invoice, and then done. Whew. Mind you, this was all in Lithuanian. 

On the positive side, there's nothing wrong with my brain! On the negative side, the headaches are at their worst. I'm still diagnosed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Like any pinched nerve, it occasionally sends shooting pains into my forehead, especially on the left side. But there's also a dull to severe ache concentrated in my forehead and occasionally radiating throughout my face. I was given new meds to try. Prayers that they help!

In terms of emotions, I am beyond done with this whole headache thing. With all the waiting today, I realized that I'm quite impatient. But it's been five weeks. That's enough to make anyone frustrated. I'm trying to balance school and friends and life in general, all while struggling with these headaches. I had a goal that they would be gone by today so I could enjoy my time in Russia. Well, that didn't quite happen. I have no control over that, but I'm still bummed that I have to continue this struggle while trying to enjoy spring break. 

In terms of academics, this week was insane. I'm so thankful we don't have a midterms week per se at Messiah. In a normal state of mind, I would be insanely stressed at the amount of work I had to do. But since I could barely function by Monday, I had no idea how I was going to survive. By God's grace alone did I make it through. And I didn't merely skate along, either. To illustrate, I had my Intro to the Bible midterm Monday at 8:30 am. I didn't start studying until Monday at 7 am. But I got a 102/100. Did I deserve that? Never in a million years! But God is good and faithful and answers prayers. All week I offered up what little I had to give, and He multiplied it! This morning I handed in a 10-page lit review, and I felt on top of the world. I conquered the most stressful week of my life. Not on my own, but it's D.O.N.E. 

Now as I relax and reflect, I realize that my body may have taken a hit from this week. I was not as in tune with what my heart needed, and I'm still struggling with some convictions of releasing control. Plus spring break usually comes with feelings of joy at being able to go home and see my family. Nothing like hugs from Mom and Dad! I'm definitely missing my mom's love and encouragement and my dad's protection today. I do have friends who will hold me as I cry, but it's not the same. 

I've received numerous comments from people about how they're impressed that I'm still pushing through. That means the world to me because of how much I struggle on a daily--or even hourly--basis! Today I felt like giving up. I broke down and cried for a good bit. I think it has a bit to do with making it through the week, but also with the exhaustion from today's excursion. 

I do however continue to count my blessings and remember God's promises of faithfulness in troubling times. I'm incredibly excited for Russia tomorrow. But I'm also nervous. I'm nervous for how my body will react to the new meds. I don't want a repeat of last weekend. I'm also nervous about how I will react to Russia and how that will influence the headaches. Crowds, noises, exhaustion, and general sensory overload are not good, especially in combination. But I know my limits, and I can call it quits and take a nap if necessary. Most of all, I'm nervous for how others will treat me. I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions about my well-being. I want to be treated like everyone else, but also be understood when I need a break. Hopefully it'll be an experience of a lifetime!