Heartbeat

Spring break is over and life has returned to normal here at LCC...or has it? Last week was Revolution Week, in which Roots of Justice (a group on campus) raised awareness about issues pertaining to human trafficking--sex, labor, etc. This past week was Spiritual Life Week. My goodness, I had no idea that a single week could wear me out so much! I'm exhausted as I write this.

For Spiritual Life Week, our team split up into smaller groups to each plan an event Monday-Wednesday, collectively worked on the coffeehouse Thursday night, and shared in selling goods at a bake sale today. Plus there is a concert tomorrow that we were asked to help with. Monday we had a panel discussion about cravings and an ice cream social after. Wednesday we put on "The Not So Late Show" with a theme about finding satisfaction. So fun. Tuesday was my event: the Hunger Feast (community dinner). All last weekend we visited grocery stores to collect cardboard boxes and wooden crates. When I say we, I mean two girls. We ended up borrowing two grocery carts and making four trips. But the event turned out quite well! Over the course of the week, we raised over 500 LTL to donate to Villages of Hope Africa.

Now something else. The title of my blog post--heartbeat--is our theme for chapel this semester. Each week, a different faculty member has shared his or her heart with us. I figured out that my heart beats for the marginalized--those not as accepted by society.

As I mentioned last week, I had an unusual encounter in Russia. I was walking through a park in St. Petersburg, chatting with a friend (about the wifi in our hostel), and then all of a sudden I felt something wet on my face, heard the sound brought about by forceful spitting, and then heard the man muttering in Russian. I was stunned. As we looked behind us, the man also glanced back. I'm thinking it was intentional. There was also enough room on the path for the man to have easily avoided us.

I was never upset at this experience, though I was definitely emotionally distraught. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be spit on. That goes to show my sense of privilege... I needed to get this story out and figured that it might be a good thing for the study abroad staff to be aware of. So I informed a director once I returned to our hostel. But something strange happened. I couldn't get the words out. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I thought I had done something wrong, that I was worthy of that injustice.

Eventually I was able to talk my way into it and spill the story. I was told that the man was probably just having a bad day, heard me speaking English, and decided to take it out on me. 

Okay. 

But then I grew nervous. As I walked through St. Petersburg alone, I wondered if I screamed American. I mean, I walked confidently and quickly. I didn't look around too much or let my mouth hang open. My coat would be the only give away, I think. Especially when I'm alone and not speaking. I was extremely aware of the people around me and perhaps a bit paranoid that something would happen to me.

This carried through to Klaipeda last week. I found myself feeling extra aware of my own behavior and the actions of my friends as we walked down the street. I want to respect the people who live here permanently. It's good to be aware and cautious in a new environment. But living in fear is not okay. Something needed to change.

Luckily, I had a revelation! Tuesday, as I was pushing the shopping carts yet again (this time to pick up 30 loaves of bread), I found that I was walking down the streets with confidence!  I got some looks. People made comments. But I realized that people move on. I'll likely never see them again. Plus the memories I made this week far outweigh the momentary judgment from others. I've already been spat on. The only thing worse is physical attack. That likely will not happen when I'm in a pair, and I am respectful when on my own. Why fear??

I chatted with the other study abroad director last Friday to get her input on the incidence. She said that the man was either crazy or drunk. A Russian wouldn't be able to pick out my accent, and therefore couldn't have known that I was American. I did learn, though, that at least in the market, vendors can easily pick out us Americans because of our mannerisms. So I think there's a chance the Russian man knew I wasn't from around there.

I don't know which theory I believe. But I no longer care, either. Last week, my heart was really heavy. I would wake up early in the morning and not be able to fall back asleep because of the extent to which this experience among others was pressing on my heart. During Revolution Week, I was reminded of my heart for working with the marginalized, as my Bible prof likes to say. My heart breaks when I read, hear, or see injustice in the world. 

This has been ongoing ever since the second day in Lithuania. Seriously. When we visited the KGB museum of Soviet occupation, I was stunned and nauseous as I thought about how heartless people were just a few decades ago. To put this in perspective, I had to kill a frog for physiology lab last semester. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I was crying at the thought of killing an innocent creature that I loved. And it was a frog. How can humans kill hundreds of other humans (or even more)? I can't see into their minds, but it appears that there are no second thoughts. And this is their job. "Honey how was work today?" "Oh, the usual. I executed eight more scoundrels." Day in and day out.

And then in Bible, we've been watching a movie every Friday. As we watched parts of the Bible miniseries, I was struck again by the cruelty and heartlessness of some individuals. The mass killing of infants in Jerusalem. Crucifixion. Beheadings. Flogging. Stoning. I realized that there's a difference between those giving the commands and those actually carrying out the killing. But what could possibly cause such a passion for murder? In the name of God, no less!

And on and on. My heart has been processing a lot this semester and seeking answers. I had decided a few weeks ago that I would apply for a leadership position in the Agape Center next year as a way of implementing the things I've learned this semester and getting more involved on campus. One of the positions that was of interest to me was the Human Rights Awareness Director, but I felt like I wasn't the greatest fit...until two weeks ago. When the man spat on me, my first thought (after why my face was wet) was about how I could all of a sudden empathize with an entirely new world of people! It's one thing to feel compassion and sympathy when reading about social injustice, but another altogether to experience the degradation firsthand. Now I have even more of a drive to work with the marginalized!

As unfortunate as this experience was, I realized that I'm thankful it happened to me. Being quiet and polite, I did not lash out at the man and have internalized the experience for the most part. I'm not going around and retelling the story. I don't want to draw even more attention to myself or beg for sympathy where I don't need it. I don't want to badmouth Russia or create a negative stereotype of Russians. This was a chance encounter that definitely pertained to my role as a tourist.

And finally, I learned that there is bliss in not knowing. As curious as I am about what the man said, I'm thankful to have been spared the hurt that could have come with his words. Same for when I was pushing the shopping cart full of bread. Rather, I found myself wishing I could sit down and engage with the man. It would probably show that I don't fit his stereotype of Americans. But more importantly, I could learn about him, his past, and what would evoke such a strong reaction to hearing English.

So these have been my thoughts over the two weeks. It's cool to see pieces of my life fall together and I'm really excited to try to apply these life lessons when I return home!

Россия (Russia)

Here's a day-by-day highlight of my spring break trip (March 8-March 16). 

Saturday

We left bright and early at 8:30am. We loaded up the buses and traveled to Riga, Latvia. Along the way, we stopped at the hill of crosses. As of 2006, there were over 100,000 crosses; 8 years later, I'm sure the count is up!
For lunch, we stopped at some interesting, yummy buffet-like place. 
And then...train time! I had never been on a train before! It was quite fun. There were so many of us that we had an entire car to ourselves! Because of my clumsiness I was not allowed to sleep on a top bunk. But that's okay. I actually didn't get a lot of sleep. I slept for some

time between 11 and 12 and then for some time between 4 and 5. Less than 2 hours of sleep that night. But they fell at the perfect times to act as naps, so I didn't quite feel it the next day.












Sunday
We arrived in Moscow later than scheduled so we quickly found our hostel, dropped off our backpacks, and ran! We saw the tail end of the changing of the guards outside the Kremlin. We ate lunch in a food court, and then we roamed Red Square. I'm not fully sure why it's called Red Square. I know, that's bad. I had my first bit of American fast food (i.e. Wendy's) and my stomach was not too pleased. We had a tour of the Kremlin (now a museum containing relics of Russian royalty) and then rushed to see the circus! Such a good show! Finally, our intern took us to see Moscow lit up at night. It was pretty cool. We also got to see an elite university. Oh my goodness, that thing was massive! Here are some highlights of the day:

A side view of St. Basil's cathedral--a symbol of Russia.

A view from the back of St. Basil's cathedral. 

The back of the Kremlin, I think. The Kremlin is at least inside this structure.

Panorama of the gorgeous university!

And of course, Moscow at night!

Monday
We began the day with a tour of the metro stations. Many of them were built to double as war shelters. They are crazy far underground! I've never ridden escalators that long before in my life! Fun fact: I used to be scared of escalators. Thank goodness I've moved past that fear. Otherwise Moscow would have been rough. Some of the metro stations were absolutely gorgeous! After, we went to the market where street vendors sold souvenirs. I got to use my limited Russian language skills and barter. I learned two things. 1. I'm not good at bargaining because I'm too nice. 2. It's insanely stressful! BUT, I came out with souvenirs for many of you, my faithful readers! I'm proud of myself. After, we got to visit the inside of St. Basil's cathedral. Oh my goodness, that place is gorgeous! We then walked to Church of Christ the Savior. And I thought St. Basil's was gorgeous... I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped more than once this week. After this, we headed to the souvenir street (Old Arbat). Lots of American chain restaurants and tacky, overpriced souvenirs. But it was fun to stroll and observe. After that, we went to Gorky Park. It's a fun place in the summer, but we simply walked through. They had a pretty intricate ice skating rink/path/loop meandering through the park. We then walked to Red Square and spent time taking photos (now you can see St. Basil's from the front!) and making memories. Here are some photos from the day:

Bronze statue in a metro station.

Mosaic in a metro station

Example of the intricacy inside St. Basil's Cathedral.

Church of Christ the Savior.

St. Basil's Cathedral from the front!

Red Square at night.

Group jump photo // making memories!

Tuesday
We started the day by seeing Lenin's preserved body. Then we broke up into option groups. I got to see the Russian space museum. It was interesting... After, we headed back to the hostel, grabbed our stuff, and then caught the train to St. Petersburg. The train was nice, but it was nothing great. I was insanely tired by this point and crashed when we got to our hostel. By this point, I had already fallen in love with St. Pete's! The architecture. The rivers and canals. The Baltic. And our hostel was gorgeous. I loved it! As one girl said, "It's like Pinterest threw up!" So homey and quaint. It's called Soul Kitchen Hostel for a reason! There was also a wall with a world map on which people placed push pins symbolizing where travelers had come from. Harrisburg, Hackettstown, and Klaipeda are now marked :)

Wednesday
We began the day with a walking tour. Our guide showed us good places to go and shared some history of the town. He took us to a coffee shop and a delicious, cheap pastry shop. I feel like I was struggling to eat in Moscow, but I was always snacking in St. Pete's! This day we more saw things from the outside, so I'll save photos for future days. We found the St. Petersburg market as well. I think I liked that one better than Moscow, but the vendors were more aggressive. That evening we went to the ballet. It wasn't perfect, but I was in dancer heaven! I had never seen a real ballet before. AND we had seats along the ground-level balcony right next to the stage! After, some of us went out for Indian food (another first). Yum.

Thursday
We began the day by observing 30 minutes of a Russian Orthodox service at Kazan Cathedral. Women have to cover their heads in this tradition. I didn't understand what was going on and my head was bothering me so I had to close my eyes, but I think that helped contribute to the beauty of engaging in another form of worship for me. I won't explain much about Russian Orthodoxy, but it seeks to engage all the senses. And I was still able to connect with God that morning in a much needed way. After the service, we broke up into groups again. I went to St. Isaac's cathedral and then climbed to the top to see the city. It was pretty darn incredible! After a quick lunch, we went to the Hermitage. It was an old winter palace turned into an art museum. The architecture was incredible! There was one room that looked like it was made of gold. There was also a library that made me think of Beauty and the Beast. I walked in and my jaw literally dropped. It was exhausting after 3-4 hours. We recovered a bit in a cafe and then went for a traditional Russian dinner. Eh, I tried new foods. That's something to be proud of. I got to see a bit of St. Petersburg at night as we walked back to the hostel. So pretty! Especially all the rivers! Photos:

That architecture!

Hermitage. And this is *only* one building (of 5!).

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral. Take note.

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral.

Friday
Most of the group went to Catherine's Palace (think Anastasia). I took the day easy and explored St. Pete's with a girl from the other hostel. I had an easy, relaxing morning. We met and went to the Museum of Religion. That's not the real title, but that's the point of the museum. It was cool to see religion from 23,000 BC all the way through today, and all around the world! More inspiration in my passion for neurotheology! We went to a delicious pie place for lunch. When I say pie, it's more like bread with any filling imaginable, both sweet and savory. So. Good. We visited the market again and then simply walked and stopped in random places (like a bookstore) and concluded our day in Starbucks. That was a wonderful taste of home! And I was able to successfully navigate the streets of St. Petersburg all by myself! That evening, we went to a show called "Feel Yourself Russian". It was essentially a lot of folk dancing and singing. But it was fun!

Saturday
Last day. We woke up to snow. I suppose it wouldn't be spring break in Russia otherwise. I'm incredibly thankful for how nice the weather was until that point! We went to Church of the Spilt Blood (which looks an awful lot like St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow). Every single "painting" in there was a mosaic. Again with the dropped jaw. After, I accompanied more girls to the market and then we climbed St. Isaac's again. My goodness, that city is gorgeous when covered in snow! After that, I got the privilege of experiencing an authentic Russian sauna. Mmmm...not sure what I think. I'm thankful to have tried it, though! We grabbed dinner, boarded the train, and then headed home! A bit more sleep, but not till 5am. So...

Church of the Spilt Blood

Part of the Church of Spilt Blood.

Same view from the top of St. Isaac's, this time covered in snow!

Sunday
We made it into Vilnius, rode buses back to Klaipeda, and then I crashed mentally. No homework capacities whatsoever. I had a fun night hanging with friends and baking and laughing. 

Some overall observations from the week
1. The cathedrals are gorgeous. I can't get over the intricacy and detail, especially in light of their age! Unfortunately, most times I was not allowed to take pictures. But I respect the right to keeping these places sacred.
2. Walking. Lots of walking. But I love it! And I'm continuing to walk here. My feet were blistered but they're healing slowly. I was also sick of my pants by the time the week was complete so I wore jeans only once this week (in case you cared). 

3. I had an interesting experience in the park on Friday. An elderly man spat on me as I was walking by. I'm 98% sure it was deliberate. I'm not upset, but definitely a bit emotionally distraught. Oddly, I'm thankful that I was the one to have this experience. Be on the lookout for my reflection and analysis next week!
4. Moscow was great. St. Petersburg was wonderful! I wish I could transplant St. Pete's back to the US and then live there.

This past week was definitely challenging because I couldn't work ahead over break, but I survived as always. It's still so weird to be able to say, "Oh yeah, I just spent a week in Russia." Never did I ever dream of going to Russia or imagine it would happen! And it was all planned for me. I've been real blessed and lucky this semester.

Patience

My plan was to write about Užgavėnės, the Lithuanian celebration just before Lent. It used to take place over the course of a week, but now it's limited to one day/weekend. I went through two weeks of prep courses in which I made a mask and learned traditional Lithuanian dances. I was so excited to participate in the festival on Sunday, but I had to back out that morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and I knew that adding crowds, noises, and movement into the mix wouldn't help. Read on for why. 

I'm going to be honest. This past week has been tough. In terms of the headaches, I was told that I have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that are squeezing a nerve. I was given meds last week to try. I felt awful Friday through Tuesday before my body adjusted to the drowsiness side effect. I couldn't stay awake for much more than 2-3 hours at a time and I felt lightheaded and anxious. That doesn't even come close to describing how terrible I felt. For the first few days, my head was too fuzzy and groggy to focus on the pain. Plus with all the sleeping, the headaches stayed away for longer. But then the pain began to break through and was pretty intense. So not only was I having headaches, but then I was feeling awful on top of it. 

I went back to the neurologist on Tuesday, and she requested that I get a brain scan. The machine was broken at the private place where I was supposed to go and they weren't expecting the replacement part until June. Not very helpful. So the neurologist suggested that I come to the hospital today since she was working there. And that's where my adventure begins. 

Five. Hours. It was a long, exhausting day. We had the worst luck with timing. After registering, we missed the place where we were supposed to pay by four minutes. So we waited 30 more. And then when we were finally all set, the computers went down. We waited about another two hours until I could finally get the scan. More waiting, results, consultation with the neurologist, getting an invoice, and then done. Whew. Mind you, this was all in Lithuanian. 

On the positive side, there's nothing wrong with my brain! On the negative side, the headaches are at their worst. I'm still diagnosed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Like any pinched nerve, it occasionally sends shooting pains into my forehead, especially on the left side. But there's also a dull to severe ache concentrated in my forehead and occasionally radiating throughout my face. I was given new meds to try. Prayers that they help!

In terms of emotions, I am beyond done with this whole headache thing. With all the waiting today, I realized that I'm quite impatient. But it's been five weeks. That's enough to make anyone frustrated. I'm trying to balance school and friends and life in general, all while struggling with these headaches. I had a goal that they would be gone by today so I could enjoy my time in Russia. Well, that didn't quite happen. I have no control over that, but I'm still bummed that I have to continue this struggle while trying to enjoy spring break. 

In terms of academics, this week was insane. I'm so thankful we don't have a midterms week per se at Messiah. In a normal state of mind, I would be insanely stressed at the amount of work I had to do. But since I could barely function by Monday, I had no idea how I was going to survive. By God's grace alone did I make it through. And I didn't merely skate along, either. To illustrate, I had my Intro to the Bible midterm Monday at 8:30 am. I didn't start studying until Monday at 7 am. But I got a 102/100. Did I deserve that? Never in a million years! But God is good and faithful and answers prayers. All week I offered up what little I had to give, and He multiplied it! This morning I handed in a 10-page lit review, and I felt on top of the world. I conquered the most stressful week of my life. Not on my own, but it's D.O.N.E. 

Now as I relax and reflect, I realize that my body may have taken a hit from this week. I was not as in tune with what my heart needed, and I'm still struggling with some convictions of releasing control. Plus spring break usually comes with feelings of joy at being able to go home and see my family. Nothing like hugs from Mom and Dad! I'm definitely missing my mom's love and encouragement and my dad's protection today. I do have friends who will hold me as I cry, but it's not the same. 

I've received numerous comments from people about how they're impressed that I'm still pushing through. That means the world to me because of how much I struggle on a daily--or even hourly--basis! Today I felt like giving up. I broke down and cried for a good bit. I think it has a bit to do with making it through the week, but also with the exhaustion from today's excursion. 

I do however continue to count my blessings and remember God's promises of faithfulness in troubling times. I'm incredibly excited for Russia tomorrow. But I'm also nervous. I'm nervous for how my body will react to the new meds. I don't want a repeat of last weekend. I'm also nervous about how I will react to Russia and how that will influence the headaches. Crowds, noises, exhaustion, and general sensory overload are not good, especially in combination. But I know my limits, and I can call it quits and take a nap if necessary. Most of all, I'm nervous for how others will treat me. I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions about my well-being. I want to be treated like everyone else, but also be understood when I need a break. Hopefully it'll be an experience of a lifetime!