#iamarisktaker

This is the go-to phrase for Study Abroad Lithuania. Here's an excerpt from the program description: “Small country, big world... Take a risk and explore the unfamiliar, immerse yourself in the unknown, transform how you see the world.” And thus the hashtag was born.

This phrase has become the "YOLO" of Lithuania. But unlike "YOLO," this phrase has not yet grown old. We were just discussing that tonight, actually. Yes, this phrase is way overused and is a study abroad stereotype, but I embrace it wholeheartedly. Whether J-walking, trying new foods, or stepping way out of my comfort zone, "Hashtag I am a risk taker!" is sure to be exclaimed! Funny thing: this phrase is also (successfully) used to guilt us into trying new things...

I bring this phrase up as a bit of a reflection for my semester abroad. At first I laughed at the phrase, but then I seriously thought about it. Coming to Lithuania in and of itself is a humungous risk! I was privileged with this experience and am making the most of it. I want to leave with no regrets. At this point, with a week left, I think I am well on my way to that goal! Here are some highlights of my risk taking:

• Even as early as my first night in Vilnius, I began to try new foods. First, I was hungry. Second, I told myself that I didn't have to like it, as long as I tried. Most was good, but some was disgusting (*cough*cough*gira*cough*cough*). At that point I was much more hesitant about trying new things. Now I'll just do it, sometimes with a bit more prompting than others. I want no regrets, and that's enough to compel me. I mean just two weeks ago, I ate bear!
• I got into a challenge with two other study abroads to visit the study abroad office every day. I'm winning by far. But that's not the point. About a week in, I came to the conclusion that I feel really dumb for going places without a purpose or invite. So why would I venture to the study abroad office to just sit and chat aimlessly? Then I realized that this was my form of taking risks. I was stepping way out of my comfort zone. But then it got easier. The office ladies are so sweet and caring and helpful and all around wonderful! And now I feel better about asking people for their time or presence, even if we multitask while in the same room.
• Speaking of risk taking with the study abroad staff, midway through February I made an extremely odd decision to venture there when I got into a deep emotional state that had been coming and going all week. When it came on the night before, I realized that that was the state I least wanted people to see but most needed people to see. So I went and found people. Not only did I find people, but I found women who I had known for just over a month and who I wasn't sure I could fully trust. They allowed my to sit there and express myself in as few words as possible and as many tears as necessary. And I hate crying in front of people.
• Relationships. It's so tempting to live with the mentality that I'll be here for 4 months and then never see these people again. In fact, many Europeans say that to us. I went through a phase in February when I was torn about building relationships. I felt this way about everyone, but it was most prominent for the study abroad staff. They're my professors, my tour guides, my advisers, my mothers, and my friends. I was already growing dangerously close to them, especially in light of the fact that in 2.5 months I would never see them again. But then I decided that I didn't care. I want to live in the moment and make the most of this experience. No regrets! I would deal with the emotions of separation when the time came. Unfortunately, that time is now :(
• We have another phrase here in Lithuania: "choose people." That's more our theme for the semester. But again, I've learned to value friendships. I learned that papers and assignments will get done, whether I leave 12 hours or 3. But the opportunities to bond will not last forever. There is more to me than a number on a paper, and I will gladly accept a slightly lower grade for cherished memories. A 93 is just as much an "A" as a 99. Even "B's" will leave me content this semester!
• This week I wrote a research paper for Theology about spiritual gifting in the modern church. I read an article that made me mad and confused and frustrated. The author presented good points but was way too ambitious about drawing lines in a very gray area. I went to find my professor to process my frustration, but he was not around. The professor next door was, and I accidentally exploded at him. His willingness to listen and help shocked me, but made me fall in love with LCC even more! I don't think I would have ever done something like that at Messiah, though I might be more open now after seeing how much professors care for their students.
• Ummm...I choreographed a flash mob as a thank you to the wonderful study abroad staff and interns. And then we performed it in a restaurant last night. I was more than a little freaked out and actually needed someone else to start the song. Yes I'm a dancer but I still get stage fright. And this made sense because it would be an embarrassment if no one else joined in. Luckily there were about 10 people committed and everyone enjoyed it and smiled and applauded. And we gave a poster to the staff members to explain what just happened. This was probably the epitome of me stepping out of my comfort zone. But after, one of the interns said to me, "It's so cute to see how much you love dancing." Yep, just smiling and going with it!
• And finally, we can't forget the adventures! Nothing has stopped me this semester. I have scars all over my body from the last 3.5 months, and I am proud of them! From Day 1 when I dropped my passport into a puddle after barely exiting the airport, I knew I was in over my head. Even last night I went on this giant swing thing, fell off, got scraped up, got kicked in the head, and moved on. I'm resilient and laugh things off. I'm "the one things happen to," whether I like it or not. Better just smile and embrace the lemons life throws at me, all in the name of being a risk taker. It's been a good ride, and I can't wait to see what the next week holds!

This semester I've learned to be spontaneous, flexible, easygoing, trusting, less uptight, patient, outgoing, adventurous, gracious, etc. Funny how a hashtag and a headache can change my life.

I guess I'll end with a quote that's been on my mind. "I did it all. I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places, the things that I did. With every broken bone, I swear I lived." (I Lived by OneRepublic, our flash mob number)

Oh wait, one more :)
“I will look back on this and smile, because it was life and I decided to live it!”

P.S. You should totally check out our final video project for our Cross-Cultural Seminar class! It captures some of the lessons I've learned this semester :)

Travel

This past weekend I was privileged to travel to Tallinn and Riga, the capitals of Estonia and Latvia, respectively. This trip was phenomenal! To me, Tallinn is very much a touristy city. It has a lot of medieval charm (plus a hippie district). Centuries ago, Tallinn was a key village along trade routes and people were heavily taxed for passing through. Thus, Tallinn became extremely wealthy and was able to build tall walls to prevent power-hungry conquistadors from overtaking the city. Much of the medieval architecture still stands or was restored after WWII. I also liked Riga because it has some older features like cobblestone streets, but has a more modern flow. Plus there is at least one coffee shop on almost every single street corner.

We left LCC at 10:30pm on Thursday and "slept" on the bus overnight to Tallinn. Well, I maybe got 1-2 hours of sleep during the time the bus pulled over in the wee hours of the morning. We also stalled around 3am. I can't say it was the most pleasant time; it sounded like the bus was exploding. I ended up sleeping on the ground because I was sharing a seat with another girl. It was decent, but really bumpy, loud, and hard. Someone also dropped a backpack on my head around 4am when I had barely entered stage 1 sleep. I was wide awake for another hour or so. Friday morning it took a good hour or more for me to be able to feel the right side of my body. BUT, we were treated to a enormous delicious buffet breakfast!

Luckily, I get enough sleep on a regular basis that my body can handle a night of insufficient rest. Friday night I slept really well! But before that, we were given a walking tour of Tallinn. Our guide was quite sassy and entertaining. After that, a few girls and I found an Estonian chocolate shop and then visited the train station flea market. There were some interesting trinkets. Since we were exhausted from the bus ride, a few of us returned to our hostel and chatted for a bit before dinner.

Dinner. We went to a medieval restaurant; it was quite the experience! It was entirely candlelit, so we couldn't really see the food. Maybe that's a good thing. Here's the menu:

• herb bread, rye bread with ham, cheese spread, pâté, pickles, sour cabbage, olives, berries, onion jelly
• baked cheese
• ginger turnips, lentils, barley with (hazel)nuts, sauerkraut
• sausage made of boar, elk, and bear meat, salmon in nut sauce, Arabian beef
• apple pie with almond milk sauce

90% of those items I have never had before. Three months ago and I never would have dreamed of eating of them. But I tried most everything, with the exception of some of the spreads in the first course. I can't say I liked it all, but at least I can say I tried! I don't want to leave with any regrets this semester. If that means eating bear, then I'll do it!

Afterwards, a few girls and I found a cute little cafe and ordered chai lattes. Yes, those are by far my favorites. It was neat to sit in the window on pillows and socialize. We then climbed to the top of the city and looked out and took nighttime photos. It was sort of raining, so it was pretty cool! Then...BED!

Saturday I had a much welcomed lazy start. I tried to find a particular souvenir street, but was unsuccessful. Then a few girls (and one guy) and I went on a bike ride around Tallinn. It was neat to be able to see some things I wouldn't have found by walking. We rode to the Baltic and then found a harbor where we could climb on the ships. We rode past a castle (with a moat!) and then up a challenging hill. We saw yet another Eastern Orthodox church. And then someone had the genius idea of riding down a steep cobblestone hill! With our brakes in full power, we were still flying. And people weren't moving out of the way. It was all we could do not to fall and not to take out an innocent bystander. We felt like jello by the time we were done. My tailbone is still bruised from that...

After a bit more walking, exploration, and delicious pancakes for lunch, we boarded the bus to head to Riga. Honestly, that was an awful ride. My head was in an immense amount of pain--the worst it's been since Russia--before we even left. And then the constant starting/stopping of the bus and the bumpy roads. And there was a movie that was playing, but it was wayyyy too loud. I couldn't drown it out with music, and I could really only hear parts of arguments or cheering, which tend to bother me on a good day. I put my head down and covered myself with a blanket to eliminate other sensory stimuli, but it wasn't working for me. After a while I decided to journal and figured out some other things that were going on. Read next week for more on that!

Once in Riga, we went out in small groups. Dinner was fun and then I walked along the river and saw some pretty sweet reflections in the water. I got to chat with a girl I've been trying to get to know all semester. It's funny how things just happen to work out! I had plans to do homework and then go to bed, but I got recruited into playing a game instead. Cards Against Humanity. For those who know it, people were impressed by how I handled it and how well I did (I have a bit of a good-girl stigma, I learned). For those who don't, I'm not sure I would play again. It has to be with the right people.

Sunday morning I went out for coffee (tea for me) with a girl from my hostel. I had woken up earlier than necessary, so I had some time to kill. I enjoyed the morning! We attended an Anglican church service for Palm Sunday. I'm not entirely sure what I thought of it, but I'm thankful for the experience! 

Sunday was rainy and icky so a few of us went to perhaps the greatest tea shop I have visited! It was essentially a tree house. The selection was overwhelming, but I ended up with something delicious! The seats were a bunch of pillows along a bunch of glass walls. We chatted for at least two hours and watched people outside. Fun memories! We stopped at a buffet restaurant called LIDO (same place as on the way to Russia) for a late lunch. After eating, the girl I explored Riga with on Saturday night walked with me around the LIDO complex and we talked about end-of-semester emotions. It's good to start that processing but I absolutely hate it. Goodbyes are the worst.

And then alas we had to return home. This trip was so much fun albeit exhausting. It was neat to have so much freedom to explore. I have seen the Baltic Sea from FOUR different countries now! I'm incredibly thankful for all that the SALT program has allowed me to do. I've definitely been spoiled this semester.

Panorama of Tallinn, Estonia

Those lovely cobblestone streets...

Tallinn at night!

Bike riding pals. I love this sign!!

Riga, Latvia at night.

I just love those lights reflecting on the river!

Cute little tree house tea shop!

Of course an artsy picture of the tea. You can kind of see the window/outside.

LIDO :)

Oceans

Let's be real. The title of my blog was 100% inspired by the recent hit by Hillsong. I first heard "Oceans" in September, before it became popular.  The bridge has been the cry of my heart ever since:
    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

I've had a feeling for a while that studying abroad would be relevant to God's work in fulfilling these words in my life. But I never imagined just how deep God would take me. Primarily, I'm referring to the headaches. I would not naturally crave such a nuisance. But my faith would not have flourished either!

Let's begin by talking about physical oceans.

This semester, I am an ocean away from anything and everything that might ordinarily provide comfort. Talk about taking a risk! But this has been the greatest experience of my life thus far. The growth. The friendships. The lessons. All I needed was to cross the Atlantic.

Water has always had a special significance in my life. I'm pretty sure I'd be a fish in another life... Times spent in quiet reflection along any body of water have always been the most meaningful. Maybe that's why I'm frequently drawn to the Baltic Sea when I need to release emotion. It's incredibly humbling to stand at the water's edge and simply look. As vast an expanse as it is, this sight pales in comparison to God--his glory, his power, his majesty, his love. 

I love these words:
    Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
    Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade,
    To write the love of God above, would drain the ocean dry.
    Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

I can't help but marvel.

Oceans (or rather, a certain lake) have played a significant role in my faith journey this semester. As I completed Fasting February, I would spend time each day visualizing myself in a peaceful place--usually on a dock at the lake at a camp where I've spent a good deal of time. I refer to this place as my second home. For the most part, all was well.

Until one day I was no longer on the dock. I found myself treading water, desperately trying to remain afloat. Jesus was on the dock, offering me his hand. But I just couldn't take it. Would I lose anything? No. For some reason, I valued having control over my destiny.

Later that day I found myself on the dock with Jesus standing on the water, inviting me to join him. The bridge from Britt Nicole's "Walk on Water" was playing through my head. Step out, even if... You don't have to be afraid. I managed to convince myself that the worst that could happen is me sinking. And even at that, I know how to swim so I would be fine. But then again, that's still all about what I can do. No.

A few weeks later I found myself treading water again. Jesus was still offering me his hand. I was closer now than ever before to taking hold and allowing him to help me. I even had a vision of what life would be like if I let him walk alongside me without holding anything back. But I still couldn't quite do it.

Which leads me back to "Oceans." If you're unfamiliar, here's the chorus:
     And I will call upon Your name
     And keep my eyes above the waves
     When oceans rise
     My soul will rest in Your embrace
     For I am Yours and You are mine

Remarkable similarity to the scenes I just described, yeah? Last week I explained that I turned down my opportunity to do a department honors project next year. I think that's the point at which I finally grasped Jesus' hand and allowed grace to infiltrate my heart. 

I'm not perfect. I know that I'll still struggle with my desire to have control. But with baby steps, God can and will do the rest.

The last line of the chorus is now applicable.  

You are mine.

Grace

Grace. 

It's my middle name. 

It's something I frequently lack as I walk down the street. 

It's the elegant quality that I crave as a dancer. 

It's that sweet sweet melody woven throughout Christian theology. 

Grace. /greys/ (n). The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

That's the textbook-definition of grace. But I think there's a bit more. 

Over the last 5+ weeks, I've been on a quest to figure out what exactly grace is. I've grown up hearing that mercy is God not giving us what we deserve, and grace is God giving us what we don't deserve. Easy. 

Until now. 

Someone first mentioned grace in a conversation a while back about my headaches. And then someone else. And then yet another friend. I pushed it aside. How is grace even remotely relevant to this situation? And then my daily devotions started talking about grace. I finally succumbed and began to dig deeper. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." This is another one of those verses I've had memorized for years, but only recently understood. Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he desperately asked God to relieve him of. Finally God replied that no, He wouldn't. This thorn, whatever it may have been, was a platform for God to show His power.

This can be a hard idea to accept. Why would God allow suffering for His chosen people? We have only a tiny, ant's-eye view of God's divine plan for humanity and for each of us individually. Being the type-A, control-loving personality that I am, I struggle when God likes to implement His plans at the cost of mine. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason I have not yet found relief from these headaches. Some days this is much harder, like when the pain is especially excruciating. I've moved beyond the "why me?" phase and have come to accept that God is using this as a platform to teach me. I mean, look at what I've shared with you all, not to mention the pages on pages of untold journal entries. I recently glanced at the list of goals I had for the semester, and I see that I am achieving the majority of them, but not at all in the way I imagined! I guess that's the beauty of how God works!

Let me put something out there. In no way do I believe that God gave me these headaches. I do, however, believe that everything has been filtered through His hands of love and God has full control over it all. I often think of Job and how God allowed Satan to trouble Job. He showed Satan that Job was faithful through anything and everything and showed Job that he had a minuscule amount of knowledge about divine happenings. Keep this in mind as you read the following words. 

I was told that God will allow people to suffer in the way that will best bring Him glory. Not everyone will handle daily headaches the same way I do. I don't complain. I try not to draw attention to myself. I simply do what I have to do, and then some! It's when people comment on how impressive it is that I've carried on for so long that I step back and realize that all that I've been able to accomplish is indeed quite remarkable. None of this has been on my own. I cry out to God daily, sometimes begging for the strength to make it through the day. By God's grace alone have I made it this far. 

I made a huge step this week in my quest to relinquish control and allow God's grace to seep into my life. I turned down my opportunity to pursue department honors next year. And for the first time, I don't feel like a disappointment; my parents are prouder of this decision and the courage it takes to set my eyes on God rather than academics. I've spent my entire life pursuing recognition for my academic endeavors. It has been the entirety of my identity. I have always been at the top of my class and have striven for the highest level. To have it within grasp yet again and say no is absolutely insane. And I'm saying no for reasons that are not even definite. I don't know if I'll be able to get research experience this summer. I don't know if I'll get a position in the Agape Center next year. If it all falls through, I don't know where I'll be left. It's a scary thought. But the deed is done. I've given my future up to God and He has full control. He always has, but I am now painfully aware. I cannot yet say that it feels good, but it's definitely a step along the path of a lifetime journey of trusting God's providence in my life. 

Someone once said to me that life is a journey of "making mistakes and crossing the line too much but allowing God's grace to fill you and draw you back." I didn't understand it at the time, but as we continued through our relationship, I began to live out that truth. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But if I allow God to infiltrate those deep, scary, vulnerable parts of my heart, He will work and bring healing. 

I don't know how healing looks right now in my life. I think that this idea of grace is not something I can logically understand...yet. I think it will be something I live out and discover in retrospect. We can never connect the dots looking forward. Only backwards. I'm excited to see where these months of headaches and lessons leave me in the near or distant future!