Patience

My plan was to write about Užgavėnės, the Lithuanian celebration just before Lent. It used to take place over the course of a week, but now it's limited to one day/weekend. I went through two weeks of prep courses in which I made a mask and learned traditional Lithuanian dances. I was so excited to participate in the festival on Sunday, but I had to back out that morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and I knew that adding crowds, noises, and movement into the mix wouldn't help. Read on for why. 

I'm going to be honest. This past week has been tough. In terms of the headaches, I was told that I have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that are squeezing a nerve. I was given meds last week to try. I felt awful Friday through Tuesday before my body adjusted to the drowsiness side effect. I couldn't stay awake for much more than 2-3 hours at a time and I felt lightheaded and anxious. That doesn't even come close to describing how terrible I felt. For the first few days, my head was too fuzzy and groggy to focus on the pain. Plus with all the sleeping, the headaches stayed away for longer. But then the pain began to break through and was pretty intense. So not only was I having headaches, but then I was feeling awful on top of it. 

I went back to the neurologist on Tuesday, and she requested that I get a brain scan. The machine was broken at the private place where I was supposed to go and they weren't expecting the replacement part until June. Not very helpful. So the neurologist suggested that I come to the hospital today since she was working there. And that's where my adventure begins. 

Five. Hours. It was a long, exhausting day. We had the worst luck with timing. After registering, we missed the place where we were supposed to pay by four minutes. So we waited 30 more. And then when we were finally all set, the computers went down. We waited about another two hours until I could finally get the scan. More waiting, results, consultation with the neurologist, getting an invoice, and then done. Whew. Mind you, this was all in Lithuanian. 

On the positive side, there's nothing wrong with my brain! On the negative side, the headaches are at their worst. I'm still diagnosed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Like any pinched nerve, it occasionally sends shooting pains into my forehead, especially on the left side. But there's also a dull to severe ache concentrated in my forehead and occasionally radiating throughout my face. I was given new meds to try. Prayers that they help!

In terms of emotions, I am beyond done with this whole headache thing. With all the waiting today, I realized that I'm quite impatient. But it's been five weeks. That's enough to make anyone frustrated. I'm trying to balance school and friends and life in general, all while struggling with these headaches. I had a goal that they would be gone by today so I could enjoy my time in Russia. Well, that didn't quite happen. I have no control over that, but I'm still bummed that I have to continue this struggle while trying to enjoy spring break. 

In terms of academics, this week was insane. I'm so thankful we don't have a midterms week per se at Messiah. In a normal state of mind, I would be insanely stressed at the amount of work I had to do. But since I could barely function by Monday, I had no idea how I was going to survive. By God's grace alone did I make it through. And I didn't merely skate along, either. To illustrate, I had my Intro to the Bible midterm Monday at 8:30 am. I didn't start studying until Monday at 7 am. But I got a 102/100. Did I deserve that? Never in a million years! But God is good and faithful and answers prayers. All week I offered up what little I had to give, and He multiplied it! This morning I handed in a 10-page lit review, and I felt on top of the world. I conquered the most stressful week of my life. Not on my own, but it's D.O.N.E. 

Now as I relax and reflect, I realize that my body may have taken a hit from this week. I was not as in tune with what my heart needed, and I'm still struggling with some convictions of releasing control. Plus spring break usually comes with feelings of joy at being able to go home and see my family. Nothing like hugs from Mom and Dad! I'm definitely missing my mom's love and encouragement and my dad's protection today. I do have friends who will hold me as I cry, but it's not the same. 

I've received numerous comments from people about how they're impressed that I'm still pushing through. That means the world to me because of how much I struggle on a daily--or even hourly--basis! Today I felt like giving up. I broke down and cried for a good bit. I think it has a bit to do with making it through the week, but also with the exhaustion from today's excursion. 

I do however continue to count my blessings and remember God's promises of faithfulness in troubling times. I'm incredibly excited for Russia tomorrow. But I'm also nervous. I'm nervous for how my body will react to the new meds. I don't want a repeat of last weekend. I'm also nervous about how I will react to Russia and how that will influence the headaches. Crowds, noises, exhaustion, and general sensory overload are not good, especially in combination. But I know my limits, and I can call it quits and take a nap if necessary. Most of all, I'm nervous for how others will treat me. I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions about my well-being. I want to be treated like everyone else, but also be understood when I need a break. Hopefully it'll be an experience of a lifetime!

Observations

Today marks halfway through the semester!  With that, I figured I'd share some long-overdue observations I've made throughout the last seven weeks.

1. Language.  First, Lithuanian is challenging!  There are no articles.  I tried to order a pastry a few weeks ago and I panicked and began speaking French.  It's weird, because I'd be better off speaking English.  It is reassuring to know that I can still pull French out after three years without classes, especially for my travel in May.  Second, Europeans will often switch between languages in conversation.  I find it interesting.
2. Culture.  Europeans tend to have pride in traditions, especially those related to independence.  In a paper I wrote for a class, I explored the idea of what freedom means.  We are far removed from our fight in the 1700s, but it's been less than 25 years for Lithuanians.  Independence Day is much more than a chance to party.  I feel so lucky to be here for both Independence Days (Feb. 16 & March 11) and Užgavėnės (burning away winter).  It's a privilege to learn what they mean and to be able to participate in the celebration!
3. Drinks.  People don't really drink water here.  There are no water fountains, either.  It's challenging to remember to consume enough water each day.  Plus I drink so much tea that I often don't crave water.  Tea is also the suggested cure for everything.
4. Food.  The food here is good, affordable, and fresh!  Many expiration dates, especially those for dairy products and bread, are within a few days of purchase.  I like the food quality.  I don't think I've had a single food-headache since arrival!
5. Coffee shops.  There are coffee shops everywhere in town, and it's wonderful to grab a hot drink and chat with friends or do homework for a few hours in a different environment.
6. LCC.  The students here are quite westernized.  Contrary to the general public, students exchange nods of acknowledgement, smiles, or even greetings as they pass.  Even with me, a stranger!  I was caught off guard at first, wondering if there was someone behind me that was being acknowledged.  But I've come to love it and smile at people I pass.
7. Community.  I love that some professors live on campus, in the same buildings as students.  LCC is such a close-knit family of faculty and students.  Even tonight, I ended up playing hide-and-seek with a professor and his two daughters!  In my mind, this would never happen at Messiah, no matter how close students and professors are.  Lives are so intertwined here, and it's pretty great.  With a new outlook, my relationships may change when I return....
8. Simplicity.  Life seems simpler here.  People are not so absorbed in school that they cannot enjoy themselves.  For me, it's quite a bit of relief to step back and reevaluate life now that it does not revolve around me but rather around Lithuanians and around the headaches that I cannot control.  It's a struggle, but will definitely prove a good growing experience on the other side.  Also, I realize that I'm living off a suitcase and a half for 4 months...why do I need numerous boxes of stuff that I don't use while at Messiah?
9. Exercise.  When I run outside, I sometimes get weird looks because it's not a normal sight.  But it certainly beats treadmills and is a wonderful way to explore Klaipeda!
10. Care giving.  People here are extremely caring if I let them in!  When I scraped my knee pretty badly last night, I had some wonderful ladies caring for me as they disinfected the wound and patched me up.  It's so nice to have some mom-like figures here, especially in my times of deep struggle.  I realized that I'm allowing people to share in my heart this semester, even though I may never see some of them again in two months.  I will be leaving part of my heart behind for sure.  But I've moved past that concern and now realize that the relationships are important, and the sorrow will not last.  I can deal with that later.  I'd rather make lifelong friends now than waste this opportunity for fear of emotions in May.  There's always skype!

Headache update
Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with these headaches.  Last Friday and Saturday I remained headache-free!  But Sunday they returned with a vengeance.  I have been in considerable pain this week.

I visited a neurologist yesterday, and I was told that I'm suffering from tension in my neck and shoulders as a result of poor posture while using my computer.  Oh, the joys of being a student.  The muscles are squeezing a nerve that goes to my forehead.  I have new medicine; I'm not quite sure how it's supposed to help, but at this point I'll try anything.  I have 10 days worth of meds, so we'll know by spring break if I improve.  I'm desperately praying that I can enjoy our time in Russia....

Today I was feeling extremely drowsy--likely a side effect of the meds.  I ended up skipping my second class because of how lightheaded I felt and my inability to focus my eyes.  I slept.  It was needed.  Because of how much I've been sleeping today, the headache has not been unbearable.  But all this sleeping comes at an inconvenient time, with midterms and papers due next week.  Hopefully my body can adjust quickly!

I've been learning so much this month, especially through these headaches.  Please contact me if you want to read more about what I've been learning and how I've been seeking God through this journey.  I would love to share!

According to my time, it's appropriate to say this:
спокойной ночи (good night!)

Until next week!

Unbelief

Well, the migraines appear to be improving! Sure, today is Day 20 of this battle, but at least the severity has lessened. I no longer want to chop my head off. That's good, right?

In processing this week, I keep coming back to Mark 9:14-29, but in particular, verses 22-24:
"If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If you can?" Jesus said. "Everything is possible for one who believes."
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I've never understood that passage until this week. I've realized that in my head, I know God is capable of anything and can heal me of my migraines if he so desires. But I don't think I fully believe it in my heart. I've been spending my time during February Fasting trying to seek out the root of my unbelief.

Help me overcome my unbelief. What a beautiful request! It's humbling to be able to ask that of Jesus, to confess that my faith is not perfect. But it's the first step towards growth.

Growth. My growth is crazy. I know I said this last week. I was reminded that growth does not stop. I think I get it into my head that once I conquer one thing (i.e. the insanity of last semester), I can be done with it and move on to something else. Umm...not quite. So I'm finding myself growing by the day.

On another note, I've been continuing to have adventure after adventure! It's helped that the weather is nicer and I'm trying to remain optimistic. Whatever emotions I was experiencing last week simply needed to be released. And now I'm good!

Saturday was great. In the morning I attended a ladies event called Mug & Muffin. I'll never turn down free food and tea! After, I got to socialize with people I don't regularly see. Be on the lookout for a music video ;) I also finally got to run, now that I bought a running jacket. Wonderful stress relief. I also got chased by a dog. I'm scared of dogs. Let's just say that I discovered I have more endurance than I previously imagined!

Sunday I went to church solo. Putting myself out there, right? Well, a girl from my Neuropsychology class came and sat with me. She asked if she could have a pastor pray for my headaches. We couldn't find a pastor, but she found a representative from Compassion International (Canadian) and he prayed, along with two Lithuanian women. It was one of the most beautiful experiences. I love the universal body of Christ!

I got to dance a bit this week, too. Not at the orphanage, but with some friends. It felt great to let loose. I may have injured my shoulder through it, but that's a small price for genuine fun! I'm taking a few weeks off from the orphanage to rethink my approach. The girls aren't so fond of my "ballet" or the idea that they have to learn something. Also, the instructor is going on vacation, and I don't really want to attempt teaching without a translator.

And finally, tonight I got to see a sunset on the Baltic Sea. Oh. My. Goodness. My photos are not yet ready, but it was pretty incredible once the sun dropped below the clouds. I went with two other girls, and we had fun with a photo shoot! We climbed on rocks and concrete blocks and took all sorts of crazy, cute, and awkward photos. Be on the lookout for those as well!

Today was definitely something my heart needed. It was warm and sunny for a good majority of the day. I was light-spirited. AND...no migraine yet!! Hopefully that's a good sign :) I'm excited for a good weekend!

Emotions

This week has been full of emotions of all sorts.  I hate to draw attention in this way, but this migraine has really been taking a toll on me.  13 days and counting...  I visited a doctor today, so hopefully things will begin to improve over the weekend.

Frustration. Let's begin with the migraine itself.  I've never had a migraine before, so that's been rough.  And then the fact that it's continued on for so long.  And I'm away from home.  It's really difficult to have any sort of quality of life when all I want to do is lay in bed in the dark and sleep if I can make it past the pain barrier.  Some days, like today, the pain has driven me to the point of tears.  All I can think is, "Why??"  I sometimes wish I could chop off my head.  Sure, it would fix the migraine, but it'd cause a whole lot of other problems.

But because of the migraine, I've had plenty of time for reflection.  I occasionally get into really emotional states brought on by stress.  I'm not sure that I can fully describe what happens.  Actually, as I write this, I'm sitting in the study abroad office, suffering from those undescribed emotions.  I need people.  I need to process.  But the two do not yet mesh.  The state I'm in is extremely deep and scary to explore, and I fear bringing anyone there with me.

This migraine has caused me to enter a cycle in which I get stressed because I lose productivity, which in turn makes the migraine worse.  Luckily I've been able to complete the bare minimum, but nothing more.  As I wrote a few weeks ago, I was really struggling with jumping into a new semester after enduring last fall. I feel like I've finally come to the point of renewing my desiring to learn for the sake of learning.  But with this migraine, I don't know if I'll ever find productivity....  I'm so thankful that this is an "easy" semester so that my academics are not too affected. 

Excitement. Unfortunately, I can't say that I absolutely love any of my classes this semester.  However, I'm quite pleased that I'm being challenged in my critical thinking abilities.  Today alone I was able to relate knowledge from my Drug & Alcohol Addiction course last semester to information in Neuropsychology and experiences from Physiology to my doctor visit.  It's so cool to be able to understand!

Love. On another note, I've been feeling super blessed and well loved this week.  Wednesday night I received some surprise valentines from people on campus who I've known for less than a month.  Thursday I received a package from my parents, full of all sorts of goodies.  They know me so well!  And today I was given chocolate and more valentines :) Remember, European chocolate is amazing!  

I've also been seeing love in the actions of the people I interact with daily.  My roommate has an incredible heart full of compassion and never hesitates to offer a listening ear, tea, or chocolate.  Even the way I was welcomed in the study abroad office today when I had no words but needed to be around people.  And when I communicate back home, especially in my times of homesickness, I'm left in awe by some of the encouragement I receive.  Y'all are great <3

Growth. The growth this semester is insane!  Maybe it's no more than usual, but I'm certainly more aware of it.  Just last night I competed in a Blind Date game show.  Never have I ever been more out of my comfort zone, nor will I likely ever do something of this nature again.  At one point I sang "Single Ladies", motions and all.  No lie.

In December, I made a commitment not to let anyone dictate how I act this semester.  I want to grow and explore myself, and I'm certainly doing that!  I'm aware that growth isn't technically an emotion, but it's very real and present in my daily thoughts and evokes many of the aforementioned emotions.

Well, now I'm tired.  It's been a long, draining day as I sift through my emotions.  Thanks again for all the support!

Friends

"You will never be completely at home again because part of your heart will always be elsewhere.  That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."

Just a preface:  I've been suffering from a migraine since Sunday, and I don't have much mental capacity for anything, even chatting with friends.  My mom suggested that I do something short but authentic because you all will appreciate that.  So here we go.

This week I've been thinking a lot about friends.  When I was chatting with the Spiritual Life Director last week, one thing she had mentioned about the student leader team is friendship.  Europeans are slow to let others in, perhaps because of their World War II days when privacy was necessary for their own safety.  But when they let me in, friendship means a lot.  The true friends I make here will likely be friends for life--one reason why I'm thrilled to be investing with the other girls on the team.  Friendship is a commitment that's not easy to forfeit.

With that being said, I think the Spiritual Life team has been a wise move, as I'm already seeing the fruits only a week later.  We had a retreat last Saturday afternoon during which we planned events for the semester and simply got to fellowship and get to know each other.  Really good for my heart.  And my tummy.

I participated in the most difficult icebreaker yet: you have 30 seconds to talk about yourself.  My topics of choice?  The oddities.  Here are some things you never knew about Emma.

• I have a spot that when poked, I spontaneously collapse and lose all sensation for about a second and occasionally emit a scream.  My girls at camp discovered this and it became their favorite source of entertainment.  
• I grew corn in my dorm room during Plant Form & Function and named it Henri and Enrique.  I also grew chrysanthemums and give them British names (Elizabeth, Abigail, Victoria, and Emma) because they're mums!
• I used to be able to solve a Rubik's cube in under a minute.  Now it's more like 2-3.

There are many many more, but that's not the point of this post.  Hope you enjoyed the tangent :)

At the retreat, we were assigned prayer partners with whom we are supposed to meet regularly.  They change each month.  I was paired with this amazing girl named Dasha.  She's a second year psychology major aspiring to be a doctor.  There are no core science classes here at LCC, so she's studying biology and chemistry on her own!  And for her senior thesis, she wants to implement a brain training program for children with ADHD.  She's starting now.  I am impressed by her drive and her compassion.

Both times when we met to pray, we spent a good bit of time just chatting and getting to know each other's heart.  She definitely has a heart for service and I love chatting with her.  Oh, and we live on the same floor!  So we frequently interact in the kitchen as well.  We have so much in common that we never lack a conversation topic.  I look forward to seeing how this relationship develops!

And the rest of the girls on the team.  I'll pass them and we all greet each other.  If there's more time, we'll pause and chat.  Unfortunately, there's one tiny problem stemming from me being an American.  "How are you?"  Too often we use this as a greeting.  As I'm walking around Messiah, I'll pass people who say this to me and by the time I can respond, they're ten feet behind me.  I've always disliked that.  So when people ask me how I am, I tell them like it is.  If I'm having a bad day, you'll know.  

Unfortunately, Europeans are well aware of this American tendency and therefore reply with short responses, thinking that's what I want.  But it's not.  I crave deep relationships, where I know I can trust others and pour out my heart.  I try to reveal this in my reciprocal response, but it'll take time for people to know that I will listen for 30 minutes if I have to.

Speaking of listening for 30 minutes, I had the privilege of enjoying a coffee (more like tea) date with another study abroad this afternoon.  We are completing February Fasting together, so we spent some time getting to know each other.  It was wonderful for my soul to dig deep with someone else my age.  I look forward to more times like this throughout the semester.  As study abroads, we really are a close-knit family.  I love being able to share in the challenges and joys of these four months!

I had another late-night coffee/paper writing date this week with the other girl completing the Abnormal Psychology independent study.  We're growing quite close through that experience.  Plus her name is also Emma.  Plus she goes to college in PA so I'll likely see her after this semester.

And one last girl.  She is crazy sassy, but I love it!  She is tied with my old youth pastor's wife/mentor as the second best provider of hugs I've met, topped only by the jolly worship leader at my home church.  She is super encouraging and up for anything.  Even if I drag her out in the cold.  She's teaching me how to cartwheel (finally) this semester!  I love our weekly dinner dates.

So these are my friends thus far.  It's hard to get to know everyone because I am much more of a one-on-one girl.  But the few people I am beginning to invest in are absolutely incredible.  And I get to enjoy deep conversations with a few others every once in while.  But if I wrote about them all, you'd be reading for days.

So enjoy the weekend!
~Emma

Adventure

I think I can safely say that I've finally settled in here.  While I was battling my cold a week ago, it was all I could handle to lay on my bed in the dark.  I was a little lonely and sad. But it "broke" at some point last Saturday.  Therefore, this past week has been fantastic!!

Adventure 1: "skating" on the frozen pond in front of LCC.  But really, I was sliding in my boots :) I did go legit ice skating a few weeks ago, though!  It was about $3 for two hours and free rentals and a free storage locker!

Adventure 2: baking.  This week, I made pork meatloaf with homemade bread crumbs.  I also tackled a broccoli quiche with an unknown cheese and homemade pie crust.  And at a baking night, I tag-teamed a lemonade cake with raspberry frosting with no electric mixer.  But all three dishes received rave reviews!!

Adventure 3: I bought a plant, simply because I could.  Yay spontaneity!  Oh, it's name is mazylis, or "little one".  So cute.

Adventure 4: continuing with "the one things happen to"....  I managed to fall down the stairs in the middle of about 50 people while attempting to exit my class.  Hello bruised knees.

Adventure 5: I let a dog into a building.  I paused as he ran up to me (I'm scared of dogs running at me no matter their size).  Then the sliding door opened and he ran in.  I froze.  I don't think he was supposed to be in there.  I awkwardly stepped inside and looked around.  I got some weird looks, like "what are you thinking, letting a dog in here??"  I figured someone had to get him out, so I called, "Come here, dog!"  Luckily he ran towards me and I was able to usher him out.

Adventure 6: venturing out in wind chill -8 degree weather to get hot cocoa.  Hot chocolate here is literally a cup of melted chocolate.  I already made that mistake.  Anyway, it was really inexpensive and super tasty!  I put in gingerbread flavoring, cinnamon, and whipped cream.  Totally doing that again! (pssst! Meet Emily!)

Adventure 7: ummm...Snow White Ballet anyone??  Dream come true, for $8.  #win

Adventure 8: fasting February.  A friend here suggested the idea as something she randomly made up.  But a few of us are going to fast from something or change a habit and hold each other accountable.  Me?  It may sound a bit corny, but I'm fasting from my time and "busy" schedule.  Every day I'm going to set aside at least 10 minutes to simply be in God's presence.  No music.  No journaling.  Just me and Jesus.  I'm so excited to see what will come of this!!

Adventure 9: church.  A few Sundays ago, I was quite in awe of how awesome it is to have people of many languages and cultures gathering together to worship the same saving God.  Services are longer, and I like spending more time in the Word!  The service is entirely in Lithuanian with "English translation if you so desire."  I'm the one being accommodated for once.  It's humbling to not be number one for once.  I almost feel like I have some amount of pressure relieved; I can be more easy-going.


It's been four weeks and I've already reached the point of not wanting to return home!  I love the simple living.  I love the improvising.  Oddly, I like not understanding things 99.9% of the time.

Until Friday,
<3 Emma

YES.

This week, I received yes after yes for numerous incredible opportunities.  I'm so used to hearing "no" that I was feeling quite overwhelmed by Tuesday lunchtime.  Let's jump to the beginning.

Monday I visited the orphanage to meet the staff and learn about volunteering opportunities.  It was a little overwhelming to hear everyone speaking in Lithuanian and not understand any of it.  But I learned that they have a dance instructor and she speaks English!  So the language barrier is not as big of an issue.  We planned out times for me to come and I have my first assignment!  I get to choreograph and teach a dance for Valentine's Day!  Uhh...that's two weeks away.

Tuesday I went to the orphanage again and actually taught a dance class.  I was unaware that I would be doing that, so I was unprepared.  Luckily, the girls were more interested in what I could do, so I showed them the talent show piece I did at camp this summer.  They were impressed.  I also learned that they like hip-hop.  I've never done hip-hop.  But I'm open to learning!  They were chattering away in Lithuanian with their instructor, half the time about me, and I couldn't understand anything!  That was slightly overwhelming, intimidating, and exhausting.  But I think the girls liked it overall, even if they did make fun of my "ballet".

Tuesday I also met with the Spiritual Life director here at LCC about possibly getting involved with that ministry.  She was pretty passionate about inviting me to join the student leader team.  I was surprised since I'll be here for only one semester, but she thinks my personality will match well.  And all the opportunities that come from the team are incredible!  Weekly team meetings.  One-on-one meetings with the director every two weeks.  Event planning.  Friendship.  Growth.  Learning a little bit more about my calling to ministry.  So much good stuff!

But with all these opportunities, I didn't want to over commit myself.  I was feeling overwhelmed with goodness and was concerned about the extent to which this was God's prompting or my fantasy.  I spent some time in prayer during chapel on Wednesday, and I heard, "With you I am well pleased"--the same words God spoke at Jesus' baptism (Matthew 3:17).  I was in shock and was quite an emotional mess.  I've had numerous people say to me things like, "God is proud of you."  It was hard to believe those statements.  But to hear this from God directly...wow.  What have I done to make God pleased with me?  Nothing.  Maybe that's it.

I don't think I'll ever know.  I am currently understanding it as His pleasure with my heart, in my growth as the woman He beautifully designed me to be.  Recently my dad said to me, "I am forever proud of your courage and your character."  I don't need to strive to prove myself.  

I felt like God was saying that the doors are open and He'll bless whatever I choose to make of this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

So?  I said yes.  To it all :)