Oceans

Let's be real. The title of my blog was 100% inspired by the recent hit by Hillsong. I first heard "Oceans" in September, before it became popular.  The bridge has been the cry of my heart ever since:
    Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
    Let me walk upon the waters
    Wherever You would call me
    Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
    And my faith will be made stronger
    In the presence of my Savior

I've had a feeling for a while that studying abroad would be relevant to God's work in fulfilling these words in my life. But I never imagined just how deep God would take me. Primarily, I'm referring to the headaches. I would not naturally crave such a nuisance. But my faith would not have flourished either!

Let's begin by talking about physical oceans.

This semester, I am an ocean away from anything and everything that might ordinarily provide comfort. Talk about taking a risk! But this has been the greatest experience of my life thus far. The growth. The friendships. The lessons. All I needed was to cross the Atlantic.

Water has always had a special significance in my life. I'm pretty sure I'd be a fish in another life... Times spent in quiet reflection along any body of water have always been the most meaningful. Maybe that's why I'm frequently drawn to the Baltic Sea when I need to release emotion. It's incredibly humbling to stand at the water's edge and simply look. As vast an expanse as it is, this sight pales in comparison to God--his glory, his power, his majesty, his love. 

I love these words:
    Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
    Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade,
    To write the love of God above, would drain the ocean dry.
    Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky.

I can't help but marvel.

Oceans (or rather, a certain lake) have played a significant role in my faith journey this semester. As I completed Fasting February, I would spend time each day visualizing myself in a peaceful place--usually on a dock at the lake at a camp where I've spent a good deal of time. I refer to this place as my second home. For the most part, all was well.

Until one day I was no longer on the dock. I found myself treading water, desperately trying to remain afloat. Jesus was on the dock, offering me his hand. But I just couldn't take it. Would I lose anything? No. For some reason, I valued having control over my destiny.

Later that day I found myself on the dock with Jesus standing on the water, inviting me to join him. The bridge from Britt Nicole's "Walk on Water" was playing through my head. Step out, even if... You don't have to be afraid. I managed to convince myself that the worst that could happen is me sinking. And even at that, I know how to swim so I would be fine. But then again, that's still all about what I can do. No.

A few weeks later I found myself treading water again. Jesus was still offering me his hand. I was closer now than ever before to taking hold and allowing him to help me. I even had a vision of what life would be like if I let him walk alongside me without holding anything back. But I still couldn't quite do it.

Which leads me back to "Oceans." If you're unfamiliar, here's the chorus:
     And I will call upon Your name
     And keep my eyes above the waves
     When oceans rise
     My soul will rest in Your embrace
     For I am Yours and You are mine

Remarkable similarity to the scenes I just described, yeah? Last week I explained that I turned down my opportunity to do a department honors project next year. I think that's the point at which I finally grasped Jesus' hand and allowed grace to infiltrate my heart. 

I'm not perfect. I know that I'll still struggle with my desire to have control. But with baby steps, God can and will do the rest.

The last line of the chorus is now applicable.  

You are mine.

Grace

Grace. 

It's my middle name. 

It's something I frequently lack as I walk down the street. 

It's the elegant quality that I crave as a dancer. 

It's that sweet sweet melody woven throughout Christian theology. 

Grace. /greys/ (n). The freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

That's the textbook-definition of grace. But I think there's a bit more. 

Over the last 5+ weeks, I've been on a quest to figure out what exactly grace is. I've grown up hearing that mercy is God not giving us what we deserve, and grace is God giving us what we don't deserve. Easy. 

Until now. 

Someone first mentioned grace in a conversation a while back about my headaches. And then someone else. And then yet another friend. I pushed it aside. How is grace even remotely relevant to this situation? And then my daily devotions started talking about grace. I finally succumbed and began to dig deeper. 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." This is another one of those verses I've had memorized for years, but only recently understood. Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he desperately asked God to relieve him of. Finally God replied that no, He wouldn't. This thorn, whatever it may have been, was a platform for God to show His power.

This can be a hard idea to accept. Why would God allow suffering for His chosen people? We have only a tiny, ant's-eye view of God's divine plan for humanity and for each of us individually. Being the type-A, control-loving personality that I am, I struggle when God likes to implement His plans at the cost of mine. 

I have come to believe that there is a reason I have not yet found relief from these headaches. Some days this is much harder, like when the pain is especially excruciating. I've moved beyond the "why me?" phase and have come to accept that God is using this as a platform to teach me. I mean, look at what I've shared with you all, not to mention the pages on pages of untold journal entries. I recently glanced at the list of goals I had for the semester, and I see that I am achieving the majority of them, but not at all in the way I imagined! I guess that's the beauty of how God works!

Let me put something out there. In no way do I believe that God gave me these headaches. I do, however, believe that everything has been filtered through His hands of love and God has full control over it all. I often think of Job and how God allowed Satan to trouble Job. He showed Satan that Job was faithful through anything and everything and showed Job that he had a minuscule amount of knowledge about divine happenings. Keep this in mind as you read the following words. 

I was told that God will allow people to suffer in the way that will best bring Him glory. Not everyone will handle daily headaches the same way I do. I don't complain. I try not to draw attention to myself. I simply do what I have to do, and then some! It's when people comment on how impressive it is that I've carried on for so long that I step back and realize that all that I've been able to accomplish is indeed quite remarkable. None of this has been on my own. I cry out to God daily, sometimes begging for the strength to make it through the day. By God's grace alone have I made it this far. 

I made a huge step this week in my quest to relinquish control and allow God's grace to seep into my life. I turned down my opportunity to pursue department honors next year. And for the first time, I don't feel like a disappointment; my parents are prouder of this decision and the courage it takes to set my eyes on God rather than academics. I've spent my entire life pursuing recognition for my academic endeavors. It has been the entirety of my identity. I have always been at the top of my class and have striven for the highest level. To have it within grasp yet again and say no is absolutely insane. And I'm saying no for reasons that are not even definite. I don't know if I'll be able to get research experience this summer. I don't know if I'll get a position in the Agape Center next year. If it all falls through, I don't know where I'll be left. It's a scary thought. But the deed is done. I've given my future up to God and He has full control. He always has, but I am now painfully aware. I cannot yet say that it feels good, but it's definitely a step along the path of a lifetime journey of trusting God's providence in my life. 

Someone once said to me that life is a journey of "making mistakes and crossing the line too much but allowing God's grace to fill you and draw you back." I didn't understand it at the time, but as we continued through our relationship, I began to live out that truth. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. But if I allow God to infiltrate those deep, scary, vulnerable parts of my heart, He will work and bring healing. 

I don't know how healing looks right now in my life. I think that this idea of grace is not something I can logically understand...yet. I think it will be something I live out and discover in retrospect. We can never connect the dots looking forward. Only backwards. I'm excited to see where these months of headaches and lessons leave me in the near or distant future!

Heartbeat

Spring break is over and life has returned to normal here at LCC...or has it? Last week was Revolution Week, in which Roots of Justice (a group on campus) raised awareness about issues pertaining to human trafficking--sex, labor, etc. This past week was Spiritual Life Week. My goodness, I had no idea that a single week could wear me out so much! I'm exhausted as I write this.

For Spiritual Life Week, our team split up into smaller groups to each plan an event Monday-Wednesday, collectively worked on the coffeehouse Thursday night, and shared in selling goods at a bake sale today. Plus there is a concert tomorrow that we were asked to help with. Monday we had a panel discussion about cravings and an ice cream social after. Wednesday we put on "The Not So Late Show" with a theme about finding satisfaction. So fun. Tuesday was my event: the Hunger Feast (community dinner). All last weekend we visited grocery stores to collect cardboard boxes and wooden crates. When I say we, I mean two girls. We ended up borrowing two grocery carts and making four trips. But the event turned out quite well! Over the course of the week, we raised over 500 LTL to donate to Villages of Hope Africa.

Now something else. The title of my blog post--heartbeat--is our theme for chapel this semester. Each week, a different faculty member has shared his or her heart with us. I figured out that my heart beats for the marginalized--those not as accepted by society.

As I mentioned last week, I had an unusual encounter in Russia. I was walking through a park in St. Petersburg, chatting with a friend (about the wifi in our hostel), and then all of a sudden I felt something wet on my face, heard the sound brought about by forceful spitting, and then heard the man muttering in Russian. I was stunned. As we looked behind us, the man also glanced back. I'm thinking it was intentional. There was also enough room on the path for the man to have easily avoided us.

I was never upset at this experience, though I was definitely emotionally distraught. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be spit on. That goes to show my sense of privilege... I needed to get this story out and figured that it might be a good thing for the study abroad staff to be aware of. So I informed a director once I returned to our hostel. But something strange happened. I couldn't get the words out. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I thought I had done something wrong, that I was worthy of that injustice.

Eventually I was able to talk my way into it and spill the story. I was told that the man was probably just having a bad day, heard me speaking English, and decided to take it out on me. 

Okay. 

But then I grew nervous. As I walked through St. Petersburg alone, I wondered if I screamed American. I mean, I walked confidently and quickly. I didn't look around too much or let my mouth hang open. My coat would be the only give away, I think. Especially when I'm alone and not speaking. I was extremely aware of the people around me and perhaps a bit paranoid that something would happen to me.

This carried through to Klaipeda last week. I found myself feeling extra aware of my own behavior and the actions of my friends as we walked down the street. I want to respect the people who live here permanently. It's good to be aware and cautious in a new environment. But living in fear is not okay. Something needed to change.

Luckily, I had a revelation! Tuesday, as I was pushing the shopping carts yet again (this time to pick up 30 loaves of bread), I found that I was walking down the streets with confidence!  I got some looks. People made comments. But I realized that people move on. I'll likely never see them again. Plus the memories I made this week far outweigh the momentary judgment from others. I've already been spat on. The only thing worse is physical attack. That likely will not happen when I'm in a pair, and I am respectful when on my own. Why fear??

I chatted with the other study abroad director last Friday to get her input on the incidence. She said that the man was either crazy or drunk. A Russian wouldn't be able to pick out my accent, and therefore couldn't have known that I was American. I did learn, though, that at least in the market, vendors can easily pick out us Americans because of our mannerisms. So I think there's a chance the Russian man knew I wasn't from around there.

I don't know which theory I believe. But I no longer care, either. Last week, my heart was really heavy. I would wake up early in the morning and not be able to fall back asleep because of the extent to which this experience among others was pressing on my heart. During Revolution Week, I was reminded of my heart for working with the marginalized, as my Bible prof likes to say. My heart breaks when I read, hear, or see injustice in the world. 

This has been ongoing ever since the second day in Lithuania. Seriously. When we visited the KGB museum of Soviet occupation, I was stunned and nauseous as I thought about how heartless people were just a few decades ago. To put this in perspective, I had to kill a frog for physiology lab last semester. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I was crying at the thought of killing an innocent creature that I loved. And it was a frog. How can humans kill hundreds of other humans (or even more)? I can't see into their minds, but it appears that there are no second thoughts. And this is their job. "Honey how was work today?" "Oh, the usual. I executed eight more scoundrels." Day in and day out.

And then in Bible, we've been watching a movie every Friday. As we watched parts of the Bible miniseries, I was struck again by the cruelty and heartlessness of some individuals. The mass killing of infants in Jerusalem. Crucifixion. Beheadings. Flogging. Stoning. I realized that there's a difference between those giving the commands and those actually carrying out the killing. But what could possibly cause such a passion for murder? In the name of God, no less!

And on and on. My heart has been processing a lot this semester and seeking answers. I had decided a few weeks ago that I would apply for a leadership position in the Agape Center next year as a way of implementing the things I've learned this semester and getting more involved on campus. One of the positions that was of interest to me was the Human Rights Awareness Director, but I felt like I wasn't the greatest fit...until two weeks ago. When the man spat on me, my first thought (after why my face was wet) was about how I could all of a sudden empathize with an entirely new world of people! It's one thing to feel compassion and sympathy when reading about social injustice, but another altogether to experience the degradation firsthand. Now I have even more of a drive to work with the marginalized!

As unfortunate as this experience was, I realized that I'm thankful it happened to me. Being quiet and polite, I did not lash out at the man and have internalized the experience for the most part. I'm not going around and retelling the story. I don't want to draw even more attention to myself or beg for sympathy where I don't need it. I don't want to badmouth Russia or create a negative stereotype of Russians. This was a chance encounter that definitely pertained to my role as a tourist.

And finally, I learned that there is bliss in not knowing. As curious as I am about what the man said, I'm thankful to have been spared the hurt that could have come with his words. Same for when I was pushing the shopping cart full of bread. Rather, I found myself wishing I could sit down and engage with the man. It would probably show that I don't fit his stereotype of Americans. But more importantly, I could learn about him, his past, and what would evoke such a strong reaction to hearing English.

So these have been my thoughts over the two weeks. It's cool to see pieces of my life fall together and I'm really excited to try to apply these life lessons when I return home!

Россия (Russia)

Here's a day-by-day highlight of my spring break trip (March 8-March 16). 

Saturday

We left bright and early at 8:30am. We loaded up the buses and traveled to Riga, Latvia. Along the way, we stopped at the hill of crosses. As of 2006, there were over 100,000 crosses; 8 years later, I'm sure the count is up!
For lunch, we stopped at some interesting, yummy buffet-like place. 
And then...train time! I had never been on a train before! It was quite fun. There were so many of us that we had an entire car to ourselves! Because of my clumsiness I was not allowed to sleep on a top bunk. But that's okay. I actually didn't get a lot of sleep. I slept for some

time between 11 and 12 and then for some time between 4 and 5. Less than 2 hours of sleep that night. But they fell at the perfect times to act as naps, so I didn't quite feel it the next day.












Sunday
We arrived in Moscow later than scheduled so we quickly found our hostel, dropped off our backpacks, and ran! We saw the tail end of the changing of the guards outside the Kremlin. We ate lunch in a food court, and then we roamed Red Square. I'm not fully sure why it's called Red Square. I know, that's bad. I had my first bit of American fast food (i.e. Wendy's) and my stomach was not too pleased. We had a tour of the Kremlin (now a museum containing relics of Russian royalty) and then rushed to see the circus! Such a good show! Finally, our intern took us to see Moscow lit up at night. It was pretty cool. We also got to see an elite university. Oh my goodness, that thing was massive! Here are some highlights of the day:

A side view of St. Basil's cathedral--a symbol of Russia.

A view from the back of St. Basil's cathedral. 

The back of the Kremlin, I think. The Kremlin is at least inside this structure.

Panorama of the gorgeous university!

And of course, Moscow at night!

Monday
We began the day with a tour of the metro stations. Many of them were built to double as war shelters. They are crazy far underground! I've never ridden escalators that long before in my life! Fun fact: I used to be scared of escalators. Thank goodness I've moved past that fear. Otherwise Moscow would have been rough. Some of the metro stations were absolutely gorgeous! After, we went to the market where street vendors sold souvenirs. I got to use my limited Russian language skills and barter. I learned two things. 1. I'm not good at bargaining because I'm too nice. 2. It's insanely stressful! BUT, I came out with souvenirs for many of you, my faithful readers! I'm proud of myself. After, we got to visit the inside of St. Basil's cathedral. Oh my goodness, that place is gorgeous! We then walked to Church of Christ the Savior. And I thought St. Basil's was gorgeous... I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped more than once this week. After this, we headed to the souvenir street (Old Arbat). Lots of American chain restaurants and tacky, overpriced souvenirs. But it was fun to stroll and observe. After that, we went to Gorky Park. It's a fun place in the summer, but we simply walked through. They had a pretty intricate ice skating rink/path/loop meandering through the park. We then walked to Red Square and spent time taking photos (now you can see St. Basil's from the front!) and making memories. Here are some photos from the day:

Bronze statue in a metro station.

Mosaic in a metro station

Example of the intricacy inside St. Basil's Cathedral.

Church of Christ the Savior.

St. Basil's Cathedral from the front!

Red Square at night.

Group jump photo // making memories!

Tuesday
We started the day by seeing Lenin's preserved body. Then we broke up into option groups. I got to see the Russian space museum. It was interesting... After, we headed back to the hostel, grabbed our stuff, and then caught the train to St. Petersburg. The train was nice, but it was nothing great. I was insanely tired by this point and crashed when we got to our hostel. By this point, I had already fallen in love with St. Pete's! The architecture. The rivers and canals. The Baltic. And our hostel was gorgeous. I loved it! As one girl said, "It's like Pinterest threw up!" So homey and quaint. It's called Soul Kitchen Hostel for a reason! There was also a wall with a world map on which people placed push pins symbolizing where travelers had come from. Harrisburg, Hackettstown, and Klaipeda are now marked :)

Wednesday
We began the day with a walking tour. Our guide showed us good places to go and shared some history of the town. He took us to a coffee shop and a delicious, cheap pastry shop. I feel like I was struggling to eat in Moscow, but I was always snacking in St. Pete's! This day we more saw things from the outside, so I'll save photos for future days. We found the St. Petersburg market as well. I think I liked that one better than Moscow, but the vendors were more aggressive. That evening we went to the ballet. It wasn't perfect, but I was in dancer heaven! I had never seen a real ballet before. AND we had seats along the ground-level balcony right next to the stage! After, some of us went out for Indian food (another first). Yum.

Thursday
We began the day by observing 30 minutes of a Russian Orthodox service at Kazan Cathedral. Women have to cover their heads in this tradition. I didn't understand what was going on and my head was bothering me so I had to close my eyes, but I think that helped contribute to the beauty of engaging in another form of worship for me. I won't explain much about Russian Orthodoxy, but it seeks to engage all the senses. And I was still able to connect with God that morning in a much needed way. After the service, we broke up into groups again. I went to St. Isaac's cathedral and then climbed to the top to see the city. It was pretty darn incredible! After a quick lunch, we went to the Hermitage. It was an old winter palace turned into an art museum. The architecture was incredible! There was one room that looked like it was made of gold. There was also a library that made me think of Beauty and the Beast. I walked in and my jaw literally dropped. It was exhausting after 3-4 hours. We recovered a bit in a cafe and then went for a traditional Russian dinner. Eh, I tried new foods. That's something to be proud of. I got to see a bit of St. Petersburg at night as we walked back to the hostel. So pretty! Especially all the rivers! Photos:

That architecture!

Hermitage. And this is *only* one building (of 5!).

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral. Take note.

View from the top of St. Isaac's Cathedral.

Friday
Most of the group went to Catherine's Palace (think Anastasia). I took the day easy and explored St. Pete's with a girl from the other hostel. I had an easy, relaxing morning. We met and went to the Museum of Religion. That's not the real title, but that's the point of the museum. It was cool to see religion from 23,000 BC all the way through today, and all around the world! More inspiration in my passion for neurotheology! We went to a delicious pie place for lunch. When I say pie, it's more like bread with any filling imaginable, both sweet and savory. So. Good. We visited the market again and then simply walked and stopped in random places (like a bookstore) and concluded our day in Starbucks. That was a wonderful taste of home! And I was able to successfully navigate the streets of St. Petersburg all by myself! That evening, we went to a show called "Feel Yourself Russian". It was essentially a lot of folk dancing and singing. But it was fun!

Saturday
Last day. We woke up to snow. I suppose it wouldn't be spring break in Russia otherwise. I'm incredibly thankful for how nice the weather was until that point! We went to Church of the Spilt Blood (which looks an awful lot like St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow). Every single "painting" in there was a mosaic. Again with the dropped jaw. After, I accompanied more girls to the market and then we climbed St. Isaac's again. My goodness, that city is gorgeous when covered in snow! After that, I got the privilege of experiencing an authentic Russian sauna. Mmmm...not sure what I think. I'm thankful to have tried it, though! We grabbed dinner, boarded the train, and then headed home! A bit more sleep, but not till 5am. So...

Church of the Spilt Blood

Part of the Church of Spilt Blood.

Same view from the top of St. Isaac's, this time covered in snow!

Sunday
We made it into Vilnius, rode buses back to Klaipeda, and then I crashed mentally. No homework capacities whatsoever. I had a fun night hanging with friends and baking and laughing. 

Some overall observations from the week
1. The cathedrals are gorgeous. I can't get over the intricacy and detail, especially in light of their age! Unfortunately, most times I was not allowed to take pictures. But I respect the right to keeping these places sacred.
2. Walking. Lots of walking. But I love it! And I'm continuing to walk here. My feet were blistered but they're healing slowly. I was also sick of my pants by the time the week was complete so I wore jeans only once this week (in case you cared). 

3. I had an interesting experience in the park on Friday. An elderly man spat on me as I was walking by. I'm 98% sure it was deliberate. I'm not upset, but definitely a bit emotionally distraught. Oddly, I'm thankful that I was the one to have this experience. Be on the lookout for my reflection and analysis next week!
4. Moscow was great. St. Petersburg was wonderful! I wish I could transplant St. Pete's back to the US and then live there.

This past week was definitely challenging because I couldn't work ahead over break, but I survived as always. It's still so weird to be able to say, "Oh yeah, I just spent a week in Russia." Never did I ever dream of going to Russia or imagine it would happen! And it was all planned for me. I've been real blessed and lucky this semester.

Patience

My plan was to write about Užgavėnės, the Lithuanian celebration just before Lent. It used to take place over the course of a week, but now it's limited to one day/weekend. I went through two weeks of prep courses in which I made a mask and learned traditional Lithuanian dances. I was so excited to participate in the festival on Sunday, but I had to back out that morning. I felt like I was about to pass out, and I knew that adding crowds, noises, and movement into the mix wouldn't help. Read on for why. 

I'm going to be honest. This past week has been tough. In terms of the headaches, I was told that I have tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that are squeezing a nerve. I was given meds last week to try. I felt awful Friday through Tuesday before my body adjusted to the drowsiness side effect. I couldn't stay awake for much more than 2-3 hours at a time and I felt lightheaded and anxious. That doesn't even come close to describing how terrible I felt. For the first few days, my head was too fuzzy and groggy to focus on the pain. Plus with all the sleeping, the headaches stayed away for longer. But then the pain began to break through and was pretty intense. So not only was I having headaches, but then I was feeling awful on top of it. 

I went back to the neurologist on Tuesday, and she requested that I get a brain scan. The machine was broken at the private place where I was supposed to go and they weren't expecting the replacement part until June. Not very helpful. So the neurologist suggested that I come to the hospital today since she was working there. And that's where my adventure begins. 

Five. Hours. It was a long, exhausting day. We had the worst luck with timing. After registering, we missed the place where we were supposed to pay by four minutes. So we waited 30 more. And then when we were finally all set, the computers went down. We waited about another two hours until I could finally get the scan. More waiting, results, consultation with the neurologist, getting an invoice, and then done. Whew. Mind you, this was all in Lithuanian. 

On the positive side, there's nothing wrong with my brain! On the negative side, the headaches are at their worst. I'm still diagnosed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Like any pinched nerve, it occasionally sends shooting pains into my forehead, especially on the left side. But there's also a dull to severe ache concentrated in my forehead and occasionally radiating throughout my face. I was given new meds to try. Prayers that they help!

In terms of emotions, I am beyond done with this whole headache thing. With all the waiting today, I realized that I'm quite impatient. But it's been five weeks. That's enough to make anyone frustrated. I'm trying to balance school and friends and life in general, all while struggling with these headaches. I had a goal that they would be gone by today so I could enjoy my time in Russia. Well, that didn't quite happen. I have no control over that, but I'm still bummed that I have to continue this struggle while trying to enjoy spring break. 

In terms of academics, this week was insane. I'm so thankful we don't have a midterms week per se at Messiah. In a normal state of mind, I would be insanely stressed at the amount of work I had to do. But since I could barely function by Monday, I had no idea how I was going to survive. By God's grace alone did I make it through. And I didn't merely skate along, either. To illustrate, I had my Intro to the Bible midterm Monday at 8:30 am. I didn't start studying until Monday at 7 am. But I got a 102/100. Did I deserve that? Never in a million years! But God is good and faithful and answers prayers. All week I offered up what little I had to give, and He multiplied it! This morning I handed in a 10-page lit review, and I felt on top of the world. I conquered the most stressful week of my life. Not on my own, but it's D.O.N.E. 

Now as I relax and reflect, I realize that my body may have taken a hit from this week. I was not as in tune with what my heart needed, and I'm still struggling with some convictions of releasing control. Plus spring break usually comes with feelings of joy at being able to go home and see my family. Nothing like hugs from Mom and Dad! I'm definitely missing my mom's love and encouragement and my dad's protection today. I do have friends who will hold me as I cry, but it's not the same. 

I've received numerous comments from people about how they're impressed that I'm still pushing through. That means the world to me because of how much I struggle on a daily--or even hourly--basis! Today I felt like giving up. I broke down and cried for a good bit. I think it has a bit to do with making it through the week, but also with the exhaustion from today's excursion. 

I do however continue to count my blessings and remember God's promises of faithfulness in troubling times. I'm incredibly excited for Russia tomorrow. But I'm also nervous. I'm nervous for how my body will react to the new meds. I don't want a repeat of last weekend. I'm also nervous about how I will react to Russia and how that will influence the headaches. Crowds, noises, exhaustion, and general sensory overload are not good, especially in combination. But I know my limits, and I can call it quits and take a nap if necessary. Most of all, I'm nervous for how others will treat me. I don't want to be constantly bombarded with questions about my well-being. I want to be treated like everyone else, but also be understood when I need a break. Hopefully it'll be an experience of a lifetime!

Observations

Today marks halfway through the semester!  With that, I figured I'd share some long-overdue observations I've made throughout the last seven weeks.

1. Language.  First, Lithuanian is challenging!  There are no articles.  I tried to order a pastry a few weeks ago and I panicked and began speaking French.  It's weird, because I'd be better off speaking English.  It is reassuring to know that I can still pull French out after three years without classes, especially for my travel in May.  Second, Europeans will often switch between languages in conversation.  I find it interesting.
2. Culture.  Europeans tend to have pride in traditions, especially those related to independence.  In a paper I wrote for a class, I explored the idea of what freedom means.  We are far removed from our fight in the 1700s, but it's been less than 25 years for Lithuanians.  Independence Day is much more than a chance to party.  I feel so lucky to be here for both Independence Days (Feb. 16 & March 11) and Užgavėnės (burning away winter).  It's a privilege to learn what they mean and to be able to participate in the celebration!
3. Drinks.  People don't really drink water here.  There are no water fountains, either.  It's challenging to remember to consume enough water each day.  Plus I drink so much tea that I often don't crave water.  Tea is also the suggested cure for everything.
4. Food.  The food here is good, affordable, and fresh!  Many expiration dates, especially those for dairy products and bread, are within a few days of purchase.  I like the food quality.  I don't think I've had a single food-headache since arrival!
5. Coffee shops.  There are coffee shops everywhere in town, and it's wonderful to grab a hot drink and chat with friends or do homework for a few hours in a different environment.
6. LCC.  The students here are quite westernized.  Contrary to the general public, students exchange nods of acknowledgement, smiles, or even greetings as they pass.  Even with me, a stranger!  I was caught off guard at first, wondering if there was someone behind me that was being acknowledged.  But I've come to love it and smile at people I pass.
7. Community.  I love that some professors live on campus, in the same buildings as students.  LCC is such a close-knit family of faculty and students.  Even tonight, I ended up playing hide-and-seek with a professor and his two daughters!  In my mind, this would never happen at Messiah, no matter how close students and professors are.  Lives are so intertwined here, and it's pretty great.  With a new outlook, my relationships may change when I return....
8. Simplicity.  Life seems simpler here.  People are not so absorbed in school that they cannot enjoy themselves.  For me, it's quite a bit of relief to step back and reevaluate life now that it does not revolve around me but rather around Lithuanians and around the headaches that I cannot control.  It's a struggle, but will definitely prove a good growing experience on the other side.  Also, I realize that I'm living off a suitcase and a half for 4 months...why do I need numerous boxes of stuff that I don't use while at Messiah?
9. Exercise.  When I run outside, I sometimes get weird looks because it's not a normal sight.  But it certainly beats treadmills and is a wonderful way to explore Klaipeda!
10. Care giving.  People here are extremely caring if I let them in!  When I scraped my knee pretty badly last night, I had some wonderful ladies caring for me as they disinfected the wound and patched me up.  It's so nice to have some mom-like figures here, especially in my times of deep struggle.  I realized that I'm allowing people to share in my heart this semester, even though I may never see some of them again in two months.  I will be leaving part of my heart behind for sure.  But I've moved past that concern and now realize that the relationships are important, and the sorrow will not last.  I can deal with that later.  I'd rather make lifelong friends now than waste this opportunity for fear of emotions in May.  There's always skype!

Headache update
Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with these headaches.  Last Friday and Saturday I remained headache-free!  But Sunday they returned with a vengeance.  I have been in considerable pain this week.

I visited a neurologist yesterday, and I was told that I'm suffering from tension in my neck and shoulders as a result of poor posture while using my computer.  Oh, the joys of being a student.  The muscles are squeezing a nerve that goes to my forehead.  I have new medicine; I'm not quite sure how it's supposed to help, but at this point I'll try anything.  I have 10 days worth of meds, so we'll know by spring break if I improve.  I'm desperately praying that I can enjoy our time in Russia....

Today I was feeling extremely drowsy--likely a side effect of the meds.  I ended up skipping my second class because of how lightheaded I felt and my inability to focus my eyes.  I slept.  It was needed.  Because of how much I've been sleeping today, the headache has not been unbearable.  But all this sleeping comes at an inconvenient time, with midterms and papers due next week.  Hopefully my body can adjust quickly!

I've been learning so much this month, especially through these headaches.  Please contact me if you want to read more about what I've been learning and how I've been seeking God through this journey.  I would love to share!

According to my time, it's appropriate to say this:
спокойной ночи (good night!)

Until next week!

Unbelief

Well, the migraines appear to be improving! Sure, today is Day 20 of this battle, but at least the severity has lessened. I no longer want to chop my head off. That's good, right?

In processing this week, I keep coming back to Mark 9:14-29, but in particular, verses 22-24:
"If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If you can?" Jesus said. "Everything is possible for one who believes."
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I've never understood that passage until this week. I've realized that in my head, I know God is capable of anything and can heal me of my migraines if he so desires. But I don't think I fully believe it in my heart. I've been spending my time during February Fasting trying to seek out the root of my unbelief.

Help me overcome my unbelief. What a beautiful request! It's humbling to be able to ask that of Jesus, to confess that my faith is not perfect. But it's the first step towards growth.

Growth. My growth is crazy. I know I said this last week. I was reminded that growth does not stop. I think I get it into my head that once I conquer one thing (i.e. the insanity of last semester), I can be done with it and move on to something else. Umm...not quite. So I'm finding myself growing by the day.

On another note, I've been continuing to have adventure after adventure! It's helped that the weather is nicer and I'm trying to remain optimistic. Whatever emotions I was experiencing last week simply needed to be released. And now I'm good!

Saturday was great. In the morning I attended a ladies event called Mug & Muffin. I'll never turn down free food and tea! After, I got to socialize with people I don't regularly see. Be on the lookout for a music video ;) I also finally got to run, now that I bought a running jacket. Wonderful stress relief. I also got chased by a dog. I'm scared of dogs. Let's just say that I discovered I have more endurance than I previously imagined!

Sunday I went to church solo. Putting myself out there, right? Well, a girl from my Neuropsychology class came and sat with me. She asked if she could have a pastor pray for my headaches. We couldn't find a pastor, but she found a representative from Compassion International (Canadian) and he prayed, along with two Lithuanian women. It was one of the most beautiful experiences. I love the universal body of Christ!

I got to dance a bit this week, too. Not at the orphanage, but with some friends. It felt great to let loose. I may have injured my shoulder through it, but that's a small price for genuine fun! I'm taking a few weeks off from the orphanage to rethink my approach. The girls aren't so fond of my "ballet" or the idea that they have to learn something. Also, the instructor is going on vacation, and I don't really want to attempt teaching without a translator.

And finally, tonight I got to see a sunset on the Baltic Sea. Oh. My. Goodness. My photos are not yet ready, but it was pretty incredible once the sun dropped below the clouds. I went with two other girls, and we had fun with a photo shoot! We climbed on rocks and concrete blocks and took all sorts of crazy, cute, and awkward photos. Be on the lookout for those as well!

Today was definitely something my heart needed. It was warm and sunny for a good majority of the day. I was light-spirited. AND...no migraine yet!! Hopefully that's a good sign :) I'm excited for a good weekend!